The Mad Mom

I've Got A Secret....

2010-07-29T15:38:45Z

Work O fArt

I'm shamelessly addicted to this show because I happen to prefer reality shows where contestants have to do something other than catch crabs from the other contestants.

Did you see it last night? Douche (Jaclyn) and Douchier (Miles) worked side-by-side! What an obvious combo: He coerced her to get buck naked and she always wants to get buck naked. It's plain to see the self-imagined-overarching-stringpuller is just giving her all this advice to get her closer to the finals so he can stop telling her what to do in the end and she'll fuck up and lose.

Do you think by season's end we'll be treated to some footage of Miles and Nicole bumping sweet natural carpets? China Chow's croc tears for poor literal Mark moved me to the CORE - not! The point of that was...??? As if we bore witness to any personal rapport she had with the guy throughout the season?

Tune in next week when Miles convinces Jax and Nicole to blow him in a complex-yet-simple grainy sepia video installation entitled, "Blow Up Dolls," or something equally inane!

Check out this scene where Nicole attempts to explain her concept of chaos to Abdi. It should be a PSA..."This Is Your Brain On Art School." Ey-yi-yi.

Cami Secret

It's official: I'm in the wrong business. To make a profit in this day and age, you have to take a household product, add a few clips, and sell the prototype to As Seen On TV for a cool $MIL$.

Take the Cami Secret for example. It's a fucking napkin with clips attached. Can't decide if your date is cute enough for a lil' cleave reveal? Keep your options open with Cami Secret. Get a load of the heaving ta-tas in the opening scene - yowza!

Stupid Feeling Of The Week

To Be...A Hollister Boy

Each time I cruise past where Broadway meets Houston, I trip over a pair of ripped slacker white boys, clad in lifeguard shorts that skim their faint pubes, with zinc smudged across the bridge of their noses like a couple of urban surf warriors. Yep, I'm talking 'bout those HOLLISTER BOYZ. How much you think they get an hour to decorate the sidewalk like that? What do you think they take to endure it? I'm sorry, but even if I looked that good, no ration of muscle relaxers could coerce me to surrender my pecs and ass-cheeks to a relentless 8-hour stint of pinching from total strangers. Even my gays, as appreciative as they are to peek at path-to-penis indents, question the judgment of any college student who would willingly do this. How many blow jobs do you think they get offered a day? I'm taking bets - just comment below!

The Mad Mom

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder: Size Kindergarten

2010-07-22T15:19:36Z

I wrote this lil' rant for momlogic this week - here's an unedited version. If you've already done me the honor of reading it, feel free to scroll past to the next round of good shit. If not, I'd be honored if you'd give it a look-see, because you just might relate:

WTF MTV?!?! A Crone's Lament.

Soooooo ... I'm deep into a nocturnal channel surf when I notice a curious title flash across the MTV bar on my viewer. It reads:

"Baby High."

Baby High?!

I immediately wondered if this was an exposé about some exotic new strain of toxin teens were floating on, or a show illustrating the delusional postpartum euphoria that actually convinces new moms that the physical process of giving birth isn't half bad. But NAH - the latter would go against MTV's target audience, right?

Not entirely. Upon further investigation, I discovered that the special show is about girls struggling to raise children while in high school.

This is hardly akin to the MTV programming of yesteryear, back in the ancient days of yore when the weightiest MTVNews topics involved what shade Antony Price suit the members of Duran Duran would select to sport on the Video Music Awards. You know, back when MTV actually played MUSIC?

Sure, the channel was little more than visual radio, but at that time, music was instrumental (sorry -- had to!) in how we chose to channel (shit, I'm full of puns today) our teen angst. Our generation raised our fists -- cuffed with zillions of black rubber bracelets -- and grew into a population unafraid to think outside of the proverbial "box." You know -- the people who brought you the Internet.

Now MTV only features music at the crack of dawn -- when many teens finally snap off all media to catch a few z's. And if you ask me, there's something inherently out of place in broadcasting an "AMTV 10 on Top Countdown" for music videos you barely play. It's posing -- like wearing the concert T-shirt of a band you haven't seen live. It reeks of poseur-ism.

At the risk of sounding like the old crone I've become, I beseech you: What are shows like "Baby High" (not to mention other MTV gems like "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom") reflecting back to today's teens about the world and their place in it? And how large a percentage of MTV's current viewership will actually be able to relate to these shows? Is teen pregnancy the new "Hungry Like the Wolf"? Or are these shows covert scare-tactic PSAs to encourage teens to keep their junk in their Rock & Republics -- or at least slap on a rubber?

How about a lil' inspiration for the young whippersnappers that watch? Maybe reviving an alterna-rock/hip-hop playlist to forge an emotional connection through something other than depictions of babies these babies can't afford themselves?

HUH?!

If any of you Bitches know anyone with an actual door to their office at MTV, feel free to snatch and deliver this advice, au gratis. And if they have any questions, give 'em my phone number so I can shake 'em down for a sheckle or two.

New MA Men!

MA Men 2 from Joey McIntyre

If you haven't a clue about the unique species that are Massholes, here's an education in under 5 hilarious minutes from Funny Or Die with homies Joey MacIntyre, Michaela Watkins and Nate Cordry. It's also a pretty vivid depiction of why I moved to New York to find a husband. Thanks for sharing, @DJAngieC!

Stupid Item Of The Week

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder: Size Kindergarten

The writer Jessica Gottlieb wisely posted this ridiculous travesty on You Tube. Take note, all you moms of little bitty's in need of a harness for their tittys.

Forever Young: The Winner!

Thanks so much for entering my very first contest, you team players out there. The winner of my very first giveaway for Perricone MD's Cold Plasma is:

JP! That's right, Babe! You were THE FIRST to leave a comment in hopes of scoring free shit, and I must say it was quite a witty one too:

Why do I need Cold Plasma.. well, first off the name alone sounds like a

70's R & B band, 2nd I just turned 45 years old and need anything that

remotely will help keep the years away and keep me FOREVER YOUNG and

which brings me to the song from Alphaville! Help keep a girl looking

good!

Congrats Mami!

But high props and much love must go out to Miz LoLo, who didn't post as quickly, but was shit-witty enough to share nonetheless:

You mean Alphaville's Forever Young? Although I get bar-carded

regularly, perhaps having some Cold Plasma will get me the underage fare on the bus. Is that a good enough reason?

A little greedy if you ask me, but for that she should get a beer at least.

Don't forget, you can score a free sample of this truly awesome shizz by clicking HERE and dishing out for postage!

That's it for now, y'all!

The Mad Mom

Forever Young: The Free Shizz Edition!

2010-07-15T13:59:40Z

Yum! Poor Taste!

My peeps over at momlogic unearthed this gem from BuzzFeed. It's a joke, DUH. I wonder if her haunting reflection stares back at you from the mirror?

Ghetto-Parenting

The panty-bunching topic of the week is the term "Ghetto Parenting." It stems from a missive launched by Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell who, in lamenting the fate of two boys - got the parenting world up in arms by making the following statements about "ghetto parenting:"

Ghetto parenting is cursing around, and at, a child.

Ghetto parenting is brawling with your man or your woman in front of your child.

Ghetto parenting is letting your child roam the streets until somebody else's mother has to tell the child to go home.

Ghetto parenting is putting your child off on friends and relatives because you want to hang out in the street.

Ghetto parenting is getting so hooked on substances that the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services has to remove your children and place them with strangers.

Mind you, one of the boys she was writing about plunged to his death off their project roof at the tender age of 5 and the brother charged with watching him at 8 just shot his aunt's boyfriend to death to keep him from choking her at a barbeque at 23. The rub? Their mom was just awarded nearly $3M for her troubles -- like raising a pack of kids who were born drug addicted and relegated to foster homes.

Why-oh-why are people so up in arms about her use of the word "ghetto" when she's out to illustrate a grave injustice? I apologize in advance for my ignorance, but did "ghetto" become equivocal to the "N" word when I was off watching re-runs of the Cosby Show? I know, I know, generalizations suck. Obviously, not all folks who live in housing projects are negligent parents. Look, I don't particularly like the words "pussy" and "moist," but sometimes use of this brand of nomenclature is called upon to get the point across better than any other word. And does this make Elvis a racist? Questions...questions...

More Yum!

Now THAT'S an establishment I'd like to frequent! Perhaps in lieu of those no stroller signs, those anti-breeder Park Slope gastro-pubs could post one of these bad boys in the window.

Thanks galore to Miz Jo-Jo, who posted this tasty lil' tidbit on Facebook!

Cool Down and Win! Win! Win! Perricone MD Cold Plasma!

I don't profess this site to be on par with Ulysses or anything, but I'm kinda finicky about pimping stuff out up in here. I view random product whoring like a post-voddie spec bender -- it's really hard to watch yourself walk the day after.

But I've actually been slathering Perricone MD's Cold Plasma for a few weeks now and I'm here to tell you, it's good stuff. It goes on smooth, doesn't make you break out at all and isolates charged particles that stimulate skin's natural levels of glycosaminoglycans (shit that makes you look younger) in a highly absorbent base that gets sucked right up into your skin.

Soooo...whydoya want some? All you've got to do is post why you want or need Cold Plasma AND the name of the band who originally recorded the song in the comment section below. The first one of youse guys who does scores a jar of Cold Plasma of their very own! The sci-minded of you who want to live forever should check out Perricone's new book Forever Young and score a free sample of Cold Plasma on the Perricone MD that blog for the low, low cost of $4.95 for shipping.

As we say back home, what a bahhhhhgain!

That's it for now! Peace the fuck out!

The Mad Mom

Bieber Beaver?

2010-07-01T17:41:34Z

Awwwwww!

Didya hear that gals and gays? Perez Hilton just wrote that 13 year old wunderstub Justin Bieber got back together with his pre-fame cutie over a five day getaway in the Bahamas.

Caitlin Beadles, the fresh-faced gal in question, tweeted recently, "What happens in the Bahamas, stays in the Bahamas."

Never thought it would happen, but I now slide headfirst into mama mode when I hear of these types of scenarios and these burning questions arise:

Where's this chick's momma and what's she thinking, leaving her nubile young girlie girl all by her lonesome with that horny lil' hairsweep?
If her mom did come along to "chaperone," does lying face down into a massage table hole by the pool comprise looking the other way?
Have they even grown a few sparse uglies to bump?

This is where my mind goes. But know this -- when my kid's 13, she BEST not think she's taking a sanctioned solo trip to the Bahamas to slide up against some pubescent John Davidson reincarnate and his babywoody.

Work O fArt

The Parsons drop-out in me is truly digging the latest lightbulb brought to us by Sarah Jessica Parker and Bravo's Andy Cohen. For one, host and it-gurl-of-yore China Chow doesn't annoy me nearly as much as the idiot contestant who insists on wearing tinfoil rabbit ears -- even though her prior experience in the art world is wholly thanks to her daddy and late mummy.

For two, the contestants can't show us enough shit, dick or vadge! In last night's "shock art" competition, I concurred that Abdi's statement on black male frustration ("I.E.D") was the clear winner. I've also become a fan of Ryan's photorealistic stylo and ALWAYS look forward to what that crazy OCD dude Miles will do next. His cum-stained, intricately illustrated first woody commemorative of Mickey Mouse had me at hell-oh, because it proved the kid was far more than a conceptualist -- he was an immaculate executioner.

Alright bitches, I'm out. Have yourselves a happy, happy 4th!

The Mad Mom

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Awwwwww!

Didya hear that gals and gays? Perez Hilton just wrote that 13 year old wunderstub Justin Bieber got back together with his pre-fame cutie over a five day getaway in the Bahamas.

Caitlin Beadles, the fresh-faced gal in question, tweeted recently, "What happens in the Bahamas, stays in the Bahamas."

Never thought it would happen, but I now slide headfirst into mama mode when I hear of these types of scenarios and these burning questions arise:

Where's this chick's momma and what's she thinking, leaving her nubile young girlie girl all by her lonesome with that horny lil' hairsweep?
If her mom did come along to "chaperone," does lying face down into a massage table hole by the pool comprise looking the other way?
Have they even grown a few sparse uglies to bump?

Work O fArt

Alright bitches, I'm out. Have yourselves a happy, happy 4th!

The Mad Mom

Young Massholes NOT Expected To Keep It In Their Pants

2010-06-24T20:49:10Z

I thought I'd heard everything. NOW I'm inclined to think I'm getting closer.

PhotoAlto Images

The Boston Globe reports that come fall (make that CUM-Fall) P-Town students - REGARDLESS OF GRADE - will be issued condoms upon request -- and their parents won't be the wiser. This in thanks to a new district-wide policy approved by the Provincetown school board. Along with the rubbers, kids -- EVEN THOSE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL -- will receive a lecture on abstinence and counseling.

Apparently, "officials" are saying there's no set age when sexual activity begins, so their covering their dicks -- I mean -- asses.

Mind you, this shit isn't going down with the pretense of protecting innocent victims from growing up too fast on the mean streets of Roxbury. We're talking about P-TOWN.

Um...do rubbers even fit third graders?

Call me old-school. Call me a cock-eyed optimist. Call me a fucking idiot. But I insist on living in a world where real live seXXX is far from the minds of all elementary school students, and the most action they'll get is a glimpse of Katy Perry's tee-tahs during MTV's Top 20 Video Countdown. Okay, and for 5th graders, maybe a few wide-eyed flips through the porn vault in the bowels of their parents closet.

And it's not just because my brain bleeds each time I think of my soon-to-be second grader harboring the brand of randy thoughts his dad does. As a parent, if the-powers-that-be insist on serving up condoms without question to our elementary school aged kids -- which would kind of indicate he or she was sexually active -- wouldn't you like...WANT TO KNOW? How about a call from the NURSE so you have a chance to address this life-altering shit with them, mano-a-mano?

What do you guys think?

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The Young And The Ass-less

2010-06-22T15:52:01Z

This woman has no ass whatsoever. Try as she might to buck the norm, she's typical Hollywood - a stick with boobs, clutching a questionable beverage while her man holds her upright.

Um wait...is that actually a tortoise shell hair clip affixed to her shirt?

Idiot Of The Century

Foiled Times Square bomber asshole and "Muslim soldier" Faisal Shahzad pleaded guilty to all counts of attempted terrorism during his trial yesterday, while warning that unless the US gets the fuck away from Muslim territories, "we will be attacking US." The kicker? He only got $15k to do it. Shit, $15k can't buy you one virgin, let alone the other 71.

As this piece of shit almost left my kids orphans (did I mention my hubs and I were on a date not a few feet from this very smoking car on that fateful night?) or seriously fucked us up for the low, low price of $15k, the various acts of violent sodomy coming his way in prison will be priceless.

Stupid Law Of The Century

Poor Nicholas Pouch. All that dude wanted to do is grow his tomatoes and smoke a medically-sanctioned home-grown jay to relieve a little discomfort. But as was reported via the Associated Press yesterday, he lost custody of the step-kids he raised for 13 years as a result.

He said: "I'm an outgoing, upstanding person. I do three different farmers markets and I'm a member of the Mason County Chamber of Commerce," said Pouch, 37. "I am not an activist at all, but I have the right to use this. It aids my pain, and it allows me to function in my everyday activities, where pills and opiates don't."

The fact that weed isn't legal is stupid, stupid -- fucking stupid.

Now I'm not saying smoking weed AROUND kids is cool. Personally, I'm a keep-vices-on-the-DL kinda gal. But if given the choice of having my kids hang around adults after they've guzzled a fifth of Jack, taken a few Percs or smoked some kind, the kind wins every single time. Instead of coming home to discover cum stains on your sheets and maybe an errant hooker in your bed, all you'd find is littered Bakugan amongst a trail of Cheetos on your rug and chocolate stains on your couch.

How Many Times Have You Heard This?

I mourned audibly when "Lucky Louie" was unceremoniously yanked off of HBO a few years back -- and not just because I went to high school with the guy or because it was based in my hometown.

Check out this clip...sounds familiar, doesn't it?

He did a pretty good job of portraying the parenting experience with innate realness. So I'm psyched to see Sir CK's ideas have been embraced by the male-centric FX and as of June 29th, will be parading his slightly twisted take on the world on air once again. And with a Ricky Gervais cameo, no less.

Ciao for now! The Mad Mom is poised to piss and moan more often -- come back soon, so y'all hear?

xox

Chelsea Handler Live: Double-Fisted Happiness

2010-05-18T15:31:44Z

Keeping up with spirited offspring when you're careening past the big 4-0 is a relentless exercise in endurance. By 10pm, I can barely spit out a monosyllable, let alone rouse my ass from the couch. As I wrote for momlogic, I was on Chelsea Handler's jock WAY before the heyday she's experiencing now, so I deemed the chance to catch her live well worth the pain of chasing shorties whist in the throes of sleep deprivation.

First off, every single heterosexual man should reach deep into his pants and dish out the sawbuck to go see Chelsea on this tour. It's SO much cheaper than a hooker. The joint was a veritable hotbed of loud drunk-ass pussy in their Sex And The City wanna-be best. One way or another, everyone in Radio City was out to get double-fisted.

Amid this sea of slurring Spanx, I realized I was smack-dab in the thick of a cultural phenomenon. Chelsea Handler embodies a verboten dichotomy that lurks within most modern women: the drunk and the slut. She likes to party, could give two shits what people think, and let's face it -- every girl longs desperately not to give two shits what others think -- hence the turn out. Every time Chelsea opens her delightfully charming glossy overbite to dole out an accurate insult, she speaks for every woman who longs to drink at work, discuss the intricacies of her pussy or hurl a ball at their unsuspecting boss. And for that Chelse, we thank you.

Josh Wolf opened and lemme tell you, the guy KILLED. Who knew he had himself two teenage kids? He's a must-see. Then Chelse took the stage and we laughed 'til we yawned. Then, in true lame-ass beat-down parent style, we cut out toward the end to avoid getting puked on by some errant hussy. Hey, after a certain age you can only stay erect for so long.

Cunning-Lingo

If you've read this blog before, you've come to understand my fascination with the "douche" revival. Since the last post on the topic, I've come across some creative "douche" descriptors that I'd like to share:

Douche Lord (Khole Kardashian)
Douche Canoe (Kay Hanley via one of her Twitter friends)
Douche Americanus (Urban Dictionary)
Douche Gobbler (Urban Dictionary, again)
Douche-O-Potomus (Love that Urban Dictionary)
Douche-textery: People who text out their thoughts in rapid fire before they are done (I could make out with that Urban Dictionary)
Ding Dong Douche (Me)
Yabba Dabba Douche (Me, again)

C'mon, you bitches must have a fave way to "douche!" Leave it as a comment!

He Said "Penis"

These newscasters lost their shit when discussing "bedroom injuries." Beware the sprained penis!

That's it for now, Lovers!

The Mad Mom

Betty White: Squirts In Your Mouth

2010-05-10T14:33:21Z

Miss me? Aw, shuckles! I missed you too! So let's get right on the kitchen bitchin', shall we?

Assume the position!

Mad Mom Of The Week

For those of us of fair to middlin' age, creative inspiration can be really hard to come by. Somewhere beneath an increasingly weighty rubble of responsibilities and obligations, lays a blissful idiot kid who punctuated each and every day with a momentous giggle fit. But as the years go on, those laugh-till-I-cry moments grow increasingly sporadic, and that carefree essence is now swirling away in some distant bowl I'll eventually have to clean.

This is why I want to be Betty White when I grow up.

I mean, for crying out loud, I beseech you to find a single soul in the US of A who didn't watch, TiVo or DVR Saturday Night Live this past weekend to cheer this lovely old lady on. Who wouldn't want a half mil plus folks cheering in your corner as you careen into the twilight of your existence?

At 88 1/2 years old, White proved not only that aging gals are capable, but that aging gals can kick some serious fucking ass. She led a crew of merry Mad Moms (Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer, Rachel Dratch, Kristen Wiig) in resurrecting SNL's long sagging ratings to a ratings apex the show hasn't come close to in over 18 months.

What's that? You missed it?

Here's a highlight destined to enhance the FIBER of your being.

At less than half Betty White's age, I can only dream about achieving even a smattering of her genius comedic timing, flawless frosty bouf and devout gay following. Clearly I have far to go.

But as a generation, we have much to learn from the living legend that is Miz Betty. In a way, Facebook and SNL duly checked us into realizing we better sit up and take notice of our Grannies and Grampies, right quick -- before we ache for the sounds of their voices and the taste of their dusty ol' muffins.

So Bitches, in honor of Betty, I'm declaring this be-decent-to-your-elders-week. Let's face it: Many folks in their 80s can barely feed themselves, let alone steal the fuck out of a MacGruber skit. It's heartbreaking to watch the people you love lose the ability to care for themselves. And negotiating the transition from cared-for to caregiver is FUCKING really hard.

I can count on many hands the times I've heard mid-aged folks kvetch endlessly about the various inconveniences imposed by the demands of their elders. Hell, I've even spewed 'bout how hard it can be to wrangle my peeps a time or two. But, if there's even a modicum of functionality within your relationship, take a second look at your Mom, your Dad or your Gram and give 'em a lil' squeeze. Because even through the angst, your elders can teach you a shit-ton about humility and the fine art of lightening the fuck up enough to bask in each moment you're given.

If you look at them long enough to let them, that is.

And think karmically for a nanosec...what would you have your children do?

RIP Lena Horne

Sigh...so sad to hear we've lost one of the most gorgeous women I've ever laid eyeballs on. We should all look that good at 42, let alone 92.

Stupid Item Of The Week

Baby Ass Spray

Does your baby's ass smell like shit? How inconvenient! Well now your babies' ass can be sprayed down with wholesome, peaceful lavender vanilla vibes just like your granite countertop with Little Stinker Baby Butt Spray!

When it comes time for a diaper change, we've all gotta inhale. And don't get me wrong, a pleasantly fragrant diaper butt beats an unpleasantly fragrant diaper butt any damn day. But with so much of this anti-stink nonsense on the market, do you really have to spend $12.00 a bottle? I sure don't see any intertwined LVs on the label. And what makes this ass spray any better than any of the baby balms you spread all over your little one's poop chute?

Anticipating a slew of dimwits dumb enough to plunk down that audacious $12.00, the FAQ page contains some foolproof application directions -- just so you don't accidentally affix a nipple and feed it to your kid. Here's a great one:

If I use the Little Stinker Baby Butt Spray, do I still need to bathe my kids?

On that note, I leave you 'til next we meet.

Yours Truly,

The Mad Mom

Shut The F*ck Up, The Sequel

2010-03-29T15:33:32Z

Why, Shello!

Gather your monocles and barf bags, because what you are about to read might stir things up internally and in a fragrant way, mind you.

Shut The Fuck Up, The Sequel

A year ago, I felt compelled to vent about this rash of whiny moms that appeared on Oprah, blathering on and on about the joys and pains motherhood -- how buying an SUV made them cry in parking lots, how it gave them the impetus to bond teet-to-teet, blah, blah, fucking blah. And in a nutshell, I said no shit, we know, shut the fuck up.

I have to preface the upcoming rant by saying I earn my living as a writer, and the parenting space is something I cover. On the clock, if you really need to know what stroller is hot or why I find the latest nanny/cheater theorum reprehensible, I'm your girl. But off the clock and in the company of friends, I'm less likely to engage in this vein of discourse unless I'm asked, or otherwise reasonably compelled to. I'd much rather ponder the vagaries of RuPaul's Drag Race. But I digress.

Anywho, recently there was another shit-ton of broo-hoo-ha (get it? angry vadge?) about a misleading The New York Times piece profiling "mommybloggers" entitled, "Honey Don't Bother Mommy, I'm Building My Brand." Because let's face it, it really doesn't take much to stir a broo-hoo-ha these days.

What, we're supposed to agree on everything because we've endured the pains of labor and -- kumbaya -- our spirits are fused in some way? Seriously? Women inherently feel compelled to beef, and even those who proclaim no beef, create a beef the second they feel compelled to say so and hit "publish." For better or worse, it comes as naturally to us as Aunt Flo.

I'mma break it down, k? The Times author's editor saw fit to add a titillating headline. The end. That's how our business works. Controversy = clicks.

Honestly, WHO CARES if the Times dare imply you blow off your kids because you constantly feel compelled to share how much you love/hate the playground, endorse a green diaper or pimp out a face cream made of elephant dung?

That Times writer just was doing her job. And she actually wrote a somewhat decent summation about how hard women are working to establish themselves in the blogosphere. And in doing so, she also aptly illustrated the underbelly of this movement - how droves of hungry (what I call) momportunists look to bullshit, use and schmooze each other ad nauseum in the name of a golden ride atop the damn Dooce bandwagon.

Note that "mommyblogger" was classified as trend by virtue of its place in the "Style" section. Face it - there IS a stereotype in place, people. Of our very own creation.

Don't get me wrong - I'm all about using your creativity to further yourself, make yourself happy and whatnot. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: Women talk WAY too much shit. And this forum provides a handy shroud of anonymity that makes it awfully easy to drop formalities, turn the world into your post-drop-off kaffeklatch and spew the kind of vitrol you'd never have the balls to say to someone's face.

Instead of leaning over the clothesline to bitch and moan about this or that, our generation of mothers has taken to wiling away the hours at their keyboards, pissing their burning giz into the wind. What if we took all this time and energy and say... put it into researching a cure for autism? Or cancer?

I mean seriously, aren't most blogs just one masturbatory op-ed fantasy after another? Who cares what I think? Who cares what you think?

So....why do we take ourselves so seriously again?

Look, motherhood can be lonely and isolating. But isn't it occasionally more gratifying to actually leave your house, look someone in the eyeball and shoot the shit in 3D, then take cover behind a keyboard that fuels your Oprah wishes and Suzy Orman dreams?

In our quest to use technology to share and connect, have we only managed to drive a wider chasm between us instead?

Jus' sayin'. Call me a bitch, if you will. 'Cos If you do, I'll have done my job.

And I assure you, I won't take it personally. I'm kinda like a dude that way.

On the topic of working ovaries, get a load of this catchy little ditty from Funny Or Die. It's almost enough to make me long to be sperminated again. Okay, not really.

She Gotta Bump - watch more funny videos

Stop The Sag!

New York State Senator Eric Adams wants the youth of America to keep their "pants off the ground" because a saggy ass perpetuates a negative racial stereotype.

This strikes me as moderately surreal. What say you?

Stupid Item Of The Week

Baby Banana Toothbrush

Lemme get this straight. You're supposed to teach your kid to clean their teeth by rubbing fake fruit all over their gums? I wonder how many one year olds have attempted to smear various fruity goods across their mouths and were disappointed to learn they had to actually chew and swallow?

Regardless, if your child manages to masterfully wrap their tiny pout around this device, you'll all but ensure a college sideline in corner-working will be more palatable.

Pardon the pun. Not.

That's it for now, Party People. Peace the fuck out.

The Mad Mom

Vajazzle Dazzle 'Em

2010-03-03T16:05:18Z

Holla Bitches!

Long time no smooch! Who needs niceties when there's nitty grit to get to?

She'll Smack A Bitch

(AP Photo/Dominic Lipinski)

Duck! Miz Campbell's at it again!

Last night, her driver for the day cruised by an NYC police station to file a harassment report against the aging supermodel. Apparently she lunged forth from the backseat of his Escalade and smacked him silly into the steering wheel, giving him a big-ass shiner. She likely won't do any time for her antics but he's got grounds to pursue some $damages$.

First off, has she learned nothing from that orange jumpsuit incident? And isn't she like, 40? I think this shit past cute straight into ugly after the age of 18. I don't know a soul alive who wouldn't like to dope slap those who offend us at will, but that's what makes us evolved beyond the chimps, yo. Like they say in preschool, you MUST learn to use your words Naomi!

And I'd like to say godspeed to my former employer, who used to have to slap band-aids on the boo-boos she left in her wake.

Stupid Item Of The Week

Is your vagina bored? Does it miss all the glitz and glamour of its nubile years? My girls at momlogic have done us the immeasurable honor of pointing our privates toward the perfect solution. You too can wax the shit out of your nether region and make pretty designs with an amalgam of glue and fake crystals. Talk about keying in on the human attraction to shiny objects. If this complex practice doesn't invite an erection from every penis in the immediate vicinity, I don't know what will. So razzle dazzle it, Bitches! Vajazzling for all!

Ground Control To Minor Tom

We parents all have those shiteous maximus kinda days where we've got to get to work and no childcare can be found. But whether or not the kid should come to work with you depends on what it is you do for a living. For example, if I were an open heart surgeon, I wouldn't exactly deem it fit to scrub in my minion and hand them a beating heart whilst I rearranged some poor bastard's innards.

That said, when I came across this story about a kid who took to the mic at an air traffic control tower, my response quickly flipped from funny ha-ha to funny/kinda/not. I mean, with all the crazies making our friendly skies not so friendly these days, why risk um...lives...and add more restrictions to the mix?

Mmmm...St. Paddy's Ball Pie

Great Moments in Irish History with Denis Leary - watch more funny videos

Makes one ponder what's REALLY in "boiled dinnah."

Mad Pimpin'

So check it Homies, my Bars Banning Babies momlogic post caught fire to the point that Good Morning America was looking for folks who'd been booted from a bar for bringing a baby. Anyone care to chip at five of your allotted fifteen minutes of fame? Leave a comment right quick!

Alright Compadres, peace the fuck out.

The Mad Mom

Rotten Apples

2010-02-16T14:23:07Z

Yo!

Coming at you from the trenches of "winter break," which comes hot on the heels of "holiday break" and precludes the extra long "spring break." It's sadly becoming too expensive to work and send your kid to public school. And on that note...

Some Teachers Are Rotten Apples

Right before break started, my kid's teacher was presenting her dissertation so his class got a sub. This guy was a jackass of Grade A proportions. And since this blog is aptly entitled THE MAD MOM, I reserve the full editorial right to vent about his revoting display of high-douchery in graphic detail:

What kind of "teacher" brings in TOYS -- to only be given to maybe five students mind you -- to bring order to his class? To add salt, when my kid voiced how upset he was about this unfair practice, he got yelled at for showing how he felt in front of everyone. When I confronted said douchebag about his downright mean tactics, he had the sac to respond with, "You gotta give me something! How else was I supposed to get the class under control?"

How about actually communicating with them, Jackass? I thought bringing toys into the class was against school policy?

It gets better. Apparently, he also told the class at one juncture that, if they fell out of line, he didn't want to hear about it "unless someone's head was smashed against the wall and they were bleeding." He's talking to six-year olds, people.

Word is, he used this vivid brand of descriptor with the kids all day, in between yelling at them continuously. Some of the kids were so traumatized they cried before bed that night and the next day.

So soothing to know my six-year old was left in his tender loving care! Who's next in line to sub? John Mayer?

And speaking of The Duke of irresponsible commentary...

The New & Improved John Mayer

This lovely tidbit was posted on Facebook by my old pal, Coulonious Monk. Sick, twisted, hilarious.

Blogger "Wunderkind" Steals Fashion Week

Photo: Racked.com

Seriously, there's something a bit disturbing about this Katie chick. Perhaps it's rooted in how the adults around her imposed that maniacal smile and frozen mien that causes her to closely resemble a coin-operated Dresden doll.

How well can a five year old type, anyway? And how are legit journos like myself supposed to compete with some child scribe who'll churn out a post for an American Girl Doll outfit and three blow-pops? Where is the justice?

"I'll Have The Octopus!"

This "generous" man scored some tentacle-cooch for a number of reasons:

A) He likely thinned the octo-herd by deep frying Aalyiah, Jebadaiah and whatever-the-fuck-another-one-of-those-kids-are-called at this dinner, dipping them in soy sauce and inhaling them with a dash of kosher salt.

B) The sweet-nothings he whispered over their romantic meal probably comprised of rehearsing that retort on an endless loop, to which she responded with a grateful aw-shucks giggle each time.

c) I'm going to hell, aren't I? You provide the handbasket, I'll provide the brimstone...

See you there!

The Mad Mom

Manscaping Made Easy

2010-01-20T16:51:06Z

What up?

In light of the tragic events in Haiti, all this craptastic nonsense seems mighty minute, don't it? They say the best medicine for pain is laughter, so here's hoping a little healing is promoted from the inane stupidity that's about to transpire on this very page.

Guh-Guh-GLOBES!

Because I appreciate the fact that you're too fucking BUSY, here's my abbreviated recap of the Globes in a few words or less:

Freshly Fucked In The Pantry Of The Beverly Hilton

Miss Golden Globes

Tragic Project Runway Runner-Up

Too Rich To Give A Shit

Photos: Hollywood Life

From B to DDD (Dumb, Dumb, Douche)

Photo: People

After months of anonymity due to a worldwide media ban, Heidi Montag went and scored herself a mag cover by rearranging her face and embarking on a miraculous transformation that took her from dumb to dumber this week.

What I find very funny is, titties and blow out aside, I couldn't see a fuck bit of difference in this pic, but when I recently wrote about it for MomLogic and saw the Extra video -- WHOA. Behold Lady Plasticine -- the next drag star!

All I know is, for $30k, I better look like fucking Salma Hayek by the time I check my ass out of the recovery wing of The Four Seasons or I'm disemboweling the surgeon with a butter knife. SERIOUS.

And now for THE BEST thing I've seen in a while...

Sleep Talkin' Man

If you can only click on one thing in the entirety of this entry, you MUST see this. A saintly woman records her husbands nocturnal emissions of the verbal variety, and records them for us all to enjoy. Some choice quotes include:

"Snail fiddling is not an occupation I'd be proud of. You dirty fucker."

"Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure."

"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"

"I am awe-some. Deal with it fucker!"

The Rad Dad and I spent a strong hour buckled over in tears after reading this crazy fuck's rants.

Enjoy!

Momma Love On The Four Train

Now that's some momma love for you right there.

Personally, I'm sure her mother envisions a more sanitary mast and ass-ectomy. Many thanks to my boy at Fart On Tits for this priceless gem!

Stupid Items Of The Week

Is Your Man Unruly?

Or just plain out of the closet? Please join me in homage to The Mangroomer, an easy-to-use manscaper that will prevent those errant man hairs from shedding onto your smooth parts! They even make a backshaver!

Many thanks to @Angelsauce for bringing this handy little item to my attention!

But wait! There's MORE! A little something for us gals. This one comes courtesy of Ms. Candice, who I can always rely on for such small trinkets of joy.

Because Girls Should Wear Pink

Have your girl parts turned you into a lover of another color? Well, fear no more! My New Pink Button is a patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician (whatever the fuck that is -- a beaver weaver perhaps?) to end all undue suffering due to genital color loss. Now there is a solution! Available now in "Marilyn," "Ginger," and "Audry!"

Sounds like a genius feminist blog name to me! Can't you see it now?

Anywho, if this dye job holds your interest even in the wee-weeist bit, be sure and read the side effects warning will you?

Speaking of blogs....

Thanks for voting!

I was informed last week that this here blog, The Mad Mom, was nominated as one of the unknowns on Babble's Best Mommy Blog list. I started out strong at number three, but am now getting my ass handed to me by people who go by "Mrs. Flinger," "Uppercase Woman," and "Dear Baby." This doesn't sit well with me.

Whatevs. I've some lovely news to report...

MomLogic and I -- we put a ring on it. I'm very proud to announce that I'm now the East Coast Editor of said website and am having myself a grand old time. Just last week, I got to interview Scout & Bill, Tori Spelling's Guncs from Home Sweet Hollywood. LURVE! Also got to interview Bethenny Frankel from Real Housewives of New York. Let the good times ROLL!

Signing off! MUAH!

The Mad Mom

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Breeders Gone Wild!

2009-12-28T16:11:32Z

Happy Holidays Kids!

Welcome to the Breeders Gone Wild year-end edition of The Mad Mom. If you all are anything like me, you've spent the last month eating your face off and are prone to deranged and depraved acts of insanity fueled by copious amounts of sugar and alcohol.

So I hereby provide you with some last, sinful tasty morsels before we ring in a brand new decade. Here's hoping it's less of a collective shit storm than 2009, where it seems the Grim Reaper took a big dump all over our biznazz. Basta already.

And now for some things remotely amusing...

Ivana "Choke A Bitch" Trump

If you get on a plane with your kids and pass Ivana Trump in First Class, you better dose 'em with Bloodies and Benedryl or risk a swift ass-whoopin' from the Big I herself!

The Orlando Sentinel reported that Ivana lost her shit and had to be removed from a LaGuardia bound Delta flight from Palm Beach because the "little fuckers" around her wouldn't "shut up." She then told the sheriffs taking her off the flight to "fuck off" as well.

Gotta give it to her - the ol' bird's got chutzpah! Ivana's 'bout ready to choke a little bitch in the name of peace and quiet!

Hmn. Perhaps all that Studio 54 Seconal succeeded in wiping her own children's formative years from her memory. But as a parent who has recently been through the hell of trying to contain a pissed off two year old on a flight (as told here in my piece for MomLogic, Air Wars), I can confidently explain that no one wanted those kids to shut up more than their parents. As utterly painful and annoying as errant children can be, there's absolutely no need to cunt out. Just relax, pop a Xanax, and pop on some of those Bose headphones or some shit. And by all means, leave the miserable parent of those kids the fuck alone. I promise you, they are having a worse time than you are. Cunting out like that only hurts the cunt-er - not the cunt-ee.

And now for more hardy tales of Breeders Gone Wild!

A Rare Documented Case of Drunka Mis-Fortuna

File this under demented and sad, but social.

A few entries ago, I educated you readers about Drunka Fortuna, a common condition unique to New Englanders. Also known as Luck Of The Irish, it bestows them with an equal ratio of death-defying luck to the alcohol levels in their bloodstream.

But, as with all conditions, symptoms vary greatly from person to person and Drunka Fortuna can quickly turn into something less fun, the mighty Drunka Mis-Fortuna. No, it's not a drag queen in heels the shape of martini glasses. Here's a hearty example: This 37 year old Manchester NH mother passed out drunk in a snowbank outside her children's daycare -- after she'd picked her kids up and left them in her car...engine still running. After she was discovered by a maintenance worker, the woman was charged with an aggravated DWI.

Alright. You've tsked. You can laugh now.

Tiny Tranny Thief Does a B&E

Poor little four year old Hayden Wright. On a late night quest to locate his jailbird daddy, he went to his granddaddy's cooler out back, popped the top on an ice cold Bud and opened a bunch of presents in his unsuspecting neighbor's house, including a cute little brown number he just had to put on.

As seen in this interview, his poor mother was real cool about cross-dressing, and the fact that he performed a seamless B&E that'd no doubt make his daddy proud. She just couldn't believe how he got the beer open in the first place. "How he got it open, I don't understand," she says. "It's one of those tab beers."

Stupid Item Of The Week

Pretty sure I first saw this goodie on MomLogic, but it's been so damn long I can't find the link. Still, isn't it a beauty to behold? What a convenient way of treating your infant like less than an animal! Perhaps those Ivana Trump offenders should consider this handy little device when next crossing her path. Toting your child has never been easier! Simply pack, hermetically seal, and go!

Happy New Year Bitches!

The Mad Mom

December Will Be Magic

2009-12-02T16:05:46Z

The holiday season is officially upon us and we find ourselves festooned with garland, our cheeks stuffed with rugelach and social obligations up the wazoo. Get down!

So who can we laugh at today?

Lambert Cracks Whip, Inserts Tongue

Im'a do a lil' Hag Supreme crossover this week, because this Adam Lambert-infused ridiculousity needs to be addressed. I saw his flamboyant performance on the AMA's and you know what? Who cares. By canceling his appearance, GMA did nothing but raise Lambert's YouTube Q rating, along with his penis.

US Mag gives us this righteous snippet from Lambert's interview on Ellen yesterday:

"People aren't used to seeing a gay man like that on TV. The gay male in the media tends to be very cliche and safe."

WORD, my sista/brotha. What kind of gay/straight double standard allows Madonna to cop a squat on the faces of endless sinewy backup dancers and you're barely allowed to let your tongue accidentally graze the mic?

So you made the performance your "coming out" to compensate for all those subdued gender neutral stylings you felt compelled to serve us on American Idol. So the only thing gayer would have been to employ the use of a feather boa, jazz hands and a rousing rendition of "Everything's Coming Up Roses." SO WHAT.

"My dad was like, 'Maybe you should apologize, Adam,' he says. I was like, 'You know, dad, I don't feel like I did anything wrong. It just wasn't maybe the right judgment call. It's a taste thing more than an obscenity thing. I think it's just a taste level.' "

Yeah, kinda like that backup dancer got to taste the level of the zipper on your pants!

A tip of the penii to you, Sir Lamberto. You hit notes I only dream of and I love it when you are rawer than sushi. Let 'em say what they'll say. This Hag Supreme's got your back.

Yo Gabba Gabba!

In matters of a more parental advisory nature, I spent a saw buck I didn't have to take my sweet Go-Go Girl to Yo Gabba Gabba Live at the Beacon Theatre. And let me tell you, it was well worth the saw buck and more to see the look on her lil' face when The Roots took the stage to give us some "Lovely, Love." And thanks to Biz Markie, she's got a promising career in beatboxing ahead of her.

If they tour again and you have chitlins in the age range, or your simply stoned off your ass, you must go. It's a spectacle to behold.

Idiot Of The Week

Seeing as the Sarah Palin/Oprah fiasco was last week (McCain lost the election because he told me what to eat, how to dress and how to do my hair! Wasn't me! That's why I've gone rogue! Look, my hairs as big as a regular soccer moms now! And I'm wearing my best Joyce Leslie!), a new, and believe it or not even better, fuck up has occurred that deserves your attention, courtesy of my MomLogic people.

Just covered a piece for them about an asshole from rural PA who saw fit to take his ten year old girl hunting (to kick off the season) and they both got shot because she dropped the rifle off of a treestand.

So not only was this kid expected to trade in her Holly Hobby for a Ruger Model 44 bigger than she is, she was expected to be proficient enough to manage the kickback of it whilst balancing herself at high altitude.

The kicker? The Game Commission deems this as LEGAL. Apparently in hunting circles, it's perfectly legal for children under the age of 12 to fire a rifle if accompanied by a licensed hunter over the age of 21.

I'm not into hunting myself, but adults are going to do what they will. But this kid should be painting Cotton Candy pink on her fingernails for fun, not to detract from the numerous stitches across her hand she gleaned from her first bullet wound courtesy of dear ol' Dad's flaming idiocy.

Loser. Literally.

Loser: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

If you haven't gotten a load of these literal videos, please do so. They're cute.

Stupid Situation Of The Week

Oh the horror! Maclaren strollers issued a recall on over 1 million strollers because 12, count 'em 12 toddlers lost their fingers to the side hinges.

Now I'm not poo-pooing the recall itself. I'm simply wondering about people who feel compelled to fold up this stroller in such close proximity to a toddler in the first fucking place.

After all, closing a Maclaren is somewhat of a violent act in and of itself. You have to kick down a handle, kick up the hinge in the back then bend the damn thing over using your entire body. Isn't there as great a risk for bashing your kid upside the head with a wheel during this complex endeavor? Seriously, who thinks it's cool to let little Rylee or Baylee reach into the basket for their sippy cup while this rather large contraption of aluminum and cloth is flailing about?

That's it for now sexsi people!

Drunka Fortuna & Disintercourse

2009-11-13T14:35:11Z

Yo. Happy Friday!

Disintercourse

Love me some 30 Rock. Aside from the pithy dialogue, I really get off on the Lemon/Donaghy dynamic because it's one of the rare instances on network TV where a straight man and woman enjoy a true platonic friendship. Y'know, like the kind you have in real life?

What I like about their relationship is that fucking is off the table all together. As far as he's concerned, she is beholden of a penis and thus, she's the only woman in his world he's able to forge a true connection with. As far as she's concerned, she gets how his wheels turn and thus wouldn't spread for him if he were the last cock on earth.

This in and of itself is far more interesting than the "sexual tension" tons of show runners think we give a shit about. If they fucked, it might be hot but they'd have nothing left to say to each other. Besides, Lemon provides a decent example for young brainy, yet delinquent four-eyed chicks of questionable ethnic origin everywhere. Let her show 'em the way to the top certainly ain't on the bottom.

Stupidity Of The Week

Kid Charges Parents $15 To Talk To Him

My people at MomLogic learned of a story in the China Daily where a twenty-something live-at-home slacker shithead has the sac to charge his parents fifteen bucks (well, the equivalent yuan) every time they want to talk to them.

The parents say the kid's cell phone is always off and he dodges them every time he comes home or goes out. So once the father left the cash with a note for him to call and whadda ya know? He did. And now it's the only way they can talk to him.

What is wrong with these people? What is he, TEN? Apparently this young buck as no clue where his bread is buttered. And these parents haven't a clue that in holding the purse strings, they hold HAND.

Want your smarmy shit kid to talk to you? Stop paying his cell phone bill and kick his spoiled ass out on the street, right quick. That'll teach him to speak when he's spoken to.

Exhibit A: Drunka Fortuna

There are a certain breed of Massholes in possession of a superpower -- the ability to exalt themselves and summon the divine to do their bidding through alcohol abuse. I call it "Drunka Fortuna." Behold how this lucky chick was somehow just wasted enough to avoid a grisly fate of the T face on. This goes way beyond the drunka fortuna of bowling eight strikes in a row or hitting the bullseye on the daht boahd at Fahthus.

And if any of you homies dare get pissy at me for calling the majorus populus from the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts a bunch of flaming drunks, please kiss my ass. I've got the liver and the birth certificate to back it up, TRUST.

Ridicicrunkulous!

As you devout readers know, we here at The Mad Mom are established purveyors and connoisseurs of all things douche. It seems someone at Funny Or Die also put their fingers on this pulse because they've created this compelling display of douche pride....

We Are Douchebags - watch more funny videos

Alrighty, you pristine, lacy undergarments. I'm out.

The Mad Mom