Keeping up with spirited offspring when you're careening past the big 4-0 is a relentless exercise in endurance. By 10pm, I can barely spit out a monosyllable, let alone rouse my ass from the couch. As I wrote for momlogic, I was on Chelsea Handler's jock WAY before the heyday she's experiencing now, so I deemed the chance to catch her live well worth the pain of chasing shorties whist in the throes of sleep deprivation.
First off, every single heterosexual man should reach deep into his pants and dish out the sawbuck to go see Chelsea on this tour. It's SO much cheaper than a hooker. The joint was a veritable hotbed of loud drunk-ass pussy in their Sex And The City wanna-be best. One way or another, everyone in Radio City was out to get double-fisted.
Amid this sea of slurring Spanx, I realized I was smack-dab in the thick of a cultural phenomenon. Chelsea Handler embodies a verboten dichotomy that lurks within most modern women: the drunk and the slut. She likes to party, could give two shits what people think, and let's face it -- every girl longs desperately not to give two shits what others think -- hence the turn out. Every time Chelsea opens her delightfully charming glossy overbite to dole out an accurate insult, she speaks for every woman who longs to drink at work, discuss the intricacies of her pussy or hurl a ball at their unsuspecting boss. And for that Chelse, we thank you.
Josh Wolf opened and lemme tell you, the guy KILLED. Who knew he had himself two teenage kids? He's a must-see. Then Chelse took the stage and we laughed 'til we yawned. Then, in true lame-ass beat-down parent style, we cut out toward the end to avoid getting puked on by some errant hussy. Hey, after a certain age you can only stay erect for so long.
Cunning-Lingo
If you've read this blog before, you've come to understand my fascination with the "douche" revival. Since the last post on the topic, I've come across some creative "douche" descriptors that I'd like to share:
- Douche Lord (Khole Kardashian)
- Douche Canoe (Kay Hanley via one of her Twitter friends)
- Douche Americanus (Urban Dictionary)
- Douche Gobbler (Urban Dictionary, again)
- Douche-O-Potomus (Love that Urban Dictionary)
- Douche-textery: People who text out their thoughts in rapid fire before they are done (I could make out with that Urban Dictionary)
- Ding Dong Douche (Me)
- Yabba Dabba Douche (Me, again)
C'mon, you bitches must have a fave way to "douche!" Leave it as a comment!
He Said "Penis"
These newscasters lost their shit when discussing "bedroom injuries." Beware the sprained penis!
That's it for now, Lovers!
xx
The Mad Mom
©2010 All Rights Reserved. Or Kiss. My. Ass.
chelse is incredible. i'm so glad i've been watching her show. sometimes she really kills! jealous of your night! glad you had fun!
xo
"sea of slurring Spanx" LMAO!!!
Damn, girl, you make me BLUSH!! But also laugh my ass off!! Sounds like an experience. Good for you, Mommy! ;)