Soapbox Dirty: May 2010 Archives

Keeping up with spirited offspring when you're careening past the big 4-0 is a relentless exercise in endurance. By 10pm, I can barely spit out a monosyllable, let alone rouse my ass from the couch. As I wrote for momlogic, I was on Chelsea Handler's jock WAY before the heyday she's experiencing now, so I deemed the chance to catch her live well worth the pain of chasing shorties whist in the throes of sleep deprivation.

First off, every single heterosexual man should reach deep into his pants and dish out the sawbuck to go see Chelsea on this tour. It's SO much cheaper than a hooker. The joint was a veritable hotbed of loud drunk-ass pussy in their Sex And The City wanna-be best. One way or another, everyone in Radio City was out to get double-fisted.

Amid this sea of slurring Spanx, I realized I was smack-dab in the thick of a cultural phenomenon. Chelsea Handler embodies a verboten dichotomy that lurks within most modern women: the drunk and the slut. She likes to party, could give two shits what people think, and let's face it -- every girl longs desperately not to give two shits what others think -- hence the turn out. Every time Chelsea opens her delightfully charming glossy overbite to dole out an accurate insult, she speaks for every woman who longs to drink at work, discuss the intricacies of her pussy or hurl a ball at their unsuspecting boss. And for that Chelse, we thank you.

Josh Wolf opened and lemme tell you, the guy KILLED. Who knew he had himself two teenage kids? He's a must-see. Then Chelse took the stage and we laughed 'til we yawned. Then, in true lame-ass beat-down parent style, we cut out toward the end to avoid getting puked on by some errant hussy. Hey, after a certain age you can only stay erect for so long.

Cunning-Lingo

If you've read this blog before, you've come to understand my fascination with the "douche" revival. Since the last post on the topic, I've come across some creative "douche" descriptors that I'd like to share:

Douche Lord (Khole Kardashian)
Douche Canoe (Kay Hanley via one of her Twitter friends)
Douche Americanus (Urban Dictionary)
Douche Gobbler (Urban Dictionary, again)
Douche-O-Potomus (Love that Urban Dictionary)
Douche-textery: People who text out their thoughts in rapid fire before they are done (I could make out with that Urban Dictionary)
Ding Dong Douche (Me)
Yabba Dabba Douche (Me, again)

C'mon, you bitches must have a fave way to "douche!" Leave it as a comment!

He Said "Penis"

These newscasters lost their shit when discussing "bedroom injuries." Beware the sprained penis!

That's it for now, Lovers!

The Mad Mom

Miss me? Aw, shuckles! I missed you too! So let's get right on the kitchen bitchin', shall we?

Assume the position!

Mad Mom Of The Week

For those of us of fair to middlin' age, creative inspiration can be really hard to come by. Somewhere beneath an increasingly weighty rubble of responsibilities and obligations, lays a blissful idiot kid who punctuated each and every day with a momentous giggle fit. But as the years go on, those laugh-till-I-cry moments grow increasingly sporadic, and that carefree essence is now swirling away in some distant bowl I'll eventually have to clean.

This is why I want to be Betty White when I grow up.

I mean, for crying out loud, I beseech you to find a single soul in the US of A who didn't watch, TiVo or DVR Saturday Night Live this past weekend to cheer this lovely old lady on. Who wouldn't want a half mil plus folks cheering in your corner as you careen into the twilight of your existence?

At 88 1/2 years old, White proved not only that aging gals are capable, but that aging gals can kick some serious fucking ass. She led a crew of merry Mad Moms (Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Ana Gasteyer, Rachel Dratch, Kristen Wiig) in resurrecting SNL's long sagging ratings to a ratings apex the show hasn't come close to in over 18 months.

What's that? You missed it?

Here's a highlight destined to enhance the FIBER of your being.

At less than half Betty White's age, I can only dream about achieving even a smattering of her genius comedic timing, flawless frosty bouf and devout gay following. Clearly I have far to go.

But as a generation, we have much to learn from the living legend that is Miz Betty. In a way, Facebook and SNL duly checked us into realizing we better sit up and take notice of our Grannies and Grampies, right quick -- before we ache for the sounds of their voices and the taste of their dusty ol' muffins.

So Bitches, in honor of Betty, I'm declaring this be-decent-to-your-elders-week. Let's face it: Many folks in their 80s can barely feed themselves, let alone steal the fuck out of a MacGruber skit. It's heartbreaking to watch the people you love lose the ability to care for themselves. And negotiating the transition from cared-for to caregiver is FUCKING really hard.

I can count on many hands the times I've heard mid-aged folks kvetch endlessly about the various inconveniences imposed by the demands of their elders. Hell, I've even spewed 'bout how hard it can be to wrangle my peeps a time or two. But, if there's even a modicum of functionality within your relationship, take a second look at your Mom, your Dad or your Gram and give 'em a lil' squeeze. Because even through the angst, your elders can teach you a shit-ton about humility and the fine art of lightening the fuck up enough to bask in each moment you're given.

If you look at them long enough to let them, that is.

And think karmically for a nanosec...what would you have your children do?

RIP Lena Horne

Sigh...so sad to hear we've lost one of the most gorgeous women I've ever laid eyeballs on. We should all look that good at 42, let alone 92.

Stupid Item Of The Week

Baby Ass Spray

Does your baby's ass smell like shit? How inconvenient! Well now your babies' ass can be sprayed down with wholesome, peaceful lavender vanilla vibes just like your granite countertop with Little Stinker Baby Butt Spray!

When it comes time for a diaper change, we've all gotta inhale. And don't get me wrong, a pleasantly fragrant diaper butt beats an unpleasantly fragrant diaper butt any damn day. But with so much of this anti-stink nonsense on the market, do you really have to spend $12.00 a bottle? I sure don't see any intertwined LVs on the label. And what makes this ass spray any better than any of the baby balms you spread all over your little one's poop chute?

Anticipating a slew of dimwits dumb enough to plunk down that audacious $12.00, the FAQ page contains some foolproof application directions -- just so you don't accidentally affix a nipple and feed it to your kid. Here's a great one:

If I use the Little Stinker Baby Butt Spray, do I still need to bathe my kids?

On that note, I leave you 'til next we meet.

Yours Truly,

The Mad Mom

May 2010 Archives

Chelsea Handler Live: Double-Fisted Happiness

Betty White: Squirts In Your Mouth

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Preachers,
Peeps & Pundits

May 2010 Archives

Chelsea Handler Live: Double-Fisted Happiness

Betty White: Squirts In Your Mouth

Search

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Preachers,Peeps & Pundits

Preachers,
Peeps & Pundits