Shut The F*ck Up, The Sequel

Why, Shello!

Gather your monocles and barf bags, because what you are about to read might stir things up internally and in a fragrant way, mind you. 

Shut The Fuck Up, The Sequel

A year ago, I felt compelled to vent about this rash of whiny moms that appeared on Oprah, blathering on and on about the joys and pains motherhood -- how buying an SUV made them cry in parking lots, how it gave them the impetus to bond teet-to-teet, blah, blah, fucking blah. And in a nutshell, I said no shit, we know, shut the fuck up.

I have to preface the upcoming rant by saying I earn my living as a writer, and the parenting space is something I cover. On the clock, if you really need to know what stroller is hot or why I find the latest nanny/cheater theorum reprehensible, I'm your girl. But off the clock and in the company of friends, I'm less likely to engage in this vein of discourse unless I'm asked, or otherwise reasonably compelled to. I'd much rather ponder the vagaries of RuPaul's Drag Race. But I digress.

Anywho, recently there was another shit-ton of broo-hoo-ha (get it? angry vadge?) about a misleading The New York Times piece profiling "mommybloggers" entitled, "Honey Don't Bother Mommy, I'm Building My Brand." Because let's face it, it really doesn't take much to stir a broo-hoo-ha these days. 

What, we're supposed to agree on everything because we've endured the pains of labor and -- kumbaya -- our spirits are fused in some way? Seriously? Women inherently feel compelled to beef, and even those who proclaim no beef, create a beef the second they feel compelled to say so and hit "publish." For better or worse, it comes as naturally to us as Aunt Flo.

I'mma break it down, k? The Times author's editor saw fit to add a titillating headline. The end. That's how our business works. Controversy = clicks. 

Honestly, WHO CARES if the Times dare imply you blow off your kids because you constantly feel compelled to share how much you love/hate the playground, endorse a green diaper or pimp out a face cream made of elephant dung? 

That Times writer just was doing her job. And she actually wrote a somewhat decent summation about how hard women are working to establish themselves in the blogosphere. And in doing so, she also aptly illustrated the underbelly of this movement - how droves of hungry (what I call) momportunists look to bullshit, use and schmooze each other ad nauseum in the name of a golden ride atop the damn Dooce bandwagon. 

Note that "mommyblogger" was classified as trend by virtue of its place in the "Style" section. Face it - there IS a stereotype in place, people. Of our very own creation.

Don't get me wrong - I'm all about using your creativity to further yourself, make yourself happy and whatnot. But I've said it before and I'll say it again: Women talk WAY too much shit. And this forum provides a handy shroud of anonymity that makes it awfully easy to drop formalities, turn the world into your post-drop-off kaffeklatch and spew the kind of vitrol you'd never have the balls to say to someone's face. 

Instead of leaning over the clothesline to bitch and moan about this or that, our generation of mothers has taken to wiling away the hours at their keyboards, pissing their burning giz into the wind. What if we took all this time and energy and say... put it into researching a cure for autism? Or cancer?

I mean seriously, aren't most blogs just one masturbatory op-ed fantasy after another? Who cares what I think? Who cares what you think?

So....why do we take ourselves so seriously again? 

Look, motherhood can be lonely and isolating. But isn't it occasionally more gratifying to actually leave your house, look someone in the eyeball and shoot the shit in 3D, then take cover behind a keyboard that fuels your Oprah wishes and Suzy Orman dreams? 

In our quest to use technology to share and connect, have we only managed to drive a wider chasm between us instead?

Jus' sayin'. Call me a bitch, if you will. 'Cos If you do, I'll have done my job. 

And I assure you, I won't take it personally. I'm kinda like a dude that way.

On the topic of working ovaries, get a load of this catchy little ditty from Funny Or Die. It's almost enough to make me long to be sperminated again. Okay, not really.

Stop The Sag!

New York State Senator Eric Adams wants the youth of America to keep their "pants off the ground" because a saggy ass perpetuates a negative racial stereotype.