Happy Holidays Kids!
So I hereby provide you with some last, sinful tasty morsels before we ring in a brand new decade. Here's hoping it's less of a collective shit storm than 2009, where it seems the Grim Reaper took a big dump all over our biznazz. Basta already.
And now for some things remotely amusing...
Ivana "Choke A Bitch" Trump
If you get on a plane with your kids and pass Ivana Trump in First Class, you better dose 'em with Bloodies and Benedryl or risk a swift ass-whoopin' from the Big I herself!
The Orlando Sentinel reported that Ivana lost her shit and had to be removed from a LaGuardia bound Delta flight from Palm Beach because the "little fuckers" around her wouldn't "shut up." She then told the sheriffs taking her off the flight to "fuck off" as well.
Gotta give it to her - the ol' bird's got chutzpah! Ivana's 'bout ready to choke a little bitch in the name of peace and quiet!
Hmn. Perhaps all that Studio 54 Seconal succeeded in wiping her own children's formative years from her memory. But as a parent who has recently been through the hell of trying to contain a pissed off two year old on a flight (as told here in my piece for MomLogic, Air Wars), I can confidently explain that no one wanted those kids to shut up more than their parents. As utterly painful and annoying as errant children can be, there's absolutely no need to cunt out. Just relax, pop a Xanax, and pop on some of those Bose headphones or some shit. And by all means, leave the miserable parent of those kids the fuck alone. I promise you, they are having a worse time than you are. Cunting out like that only hurts the cunt-er - not the cunt-ee.
And now for more hardy tales of Breeders Gone Wild!
A Rare Documented Case of Drunka Mis-Fortuna
File this under demented and sad, but social.
A few entries ago, I educated you readers about Drunka Fortuna, a common condition unique to New Englanders. Also known as Luck Of The Irish, it bestows them with an equal ratio of death-defying luck to the alcohol levels in their bloodstream.
But, as with all conditions, symptoms vary greatly from person to person and Drunka Fortuna can quickly turn into something less fun, the mighty Drunka Mis-Fortuna. No, it's not a drag queen in heels the shape of martini glasses. Here's a hearty example: This 37 year old Manchester NH mother passed out drunk in a snowbank outside her children's daycare -- after she'd picked her kids up and left them in her car...engine still running. After she was discovered by a maintenance worker, the woman was charged with an aggravated DWI.
Alright. You've tsked. You can laugh now.
Tiny Tranny Thief Does a B&E
Poor little four year old Hayden Wright. On a late night quest to locate his jailbird daddy, he went to his granddaddy's cooler out back, popped the top on an ice cold Bud and opened a bunch of presents in his unsuspecting neighbor's house, including a cute little brown number he just had to put on.
As seen in this interview, his poor mother was real cool about cross-dressing, and the fact that he performed a seamless B&E that'd no doubt make his daddy proud. She just couldn't believe how he got the beer open in the first place. "How he got it open, I don't understand," she says. "It's one of those tab beers."
Stupid Item Of The Week
Pretty sure I first saw this goodie on MomLogic, but it's been so damn long I can't find the link. Still, isn't it a beauty to behold? What a convenient way of treating your infant like less than an animal! Perhaps those Ivana Trump offenders should consider this handy little device when next crossing her path. Toting your child has never been easier! Simply pack, hermetically seal, and go!
Happy New Year Bitches!
xx
The Mad Mom
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