The Un-Back-To-School Issue

Hey Y'all!

My issue with back-to-school is that with so many back-to-school issues clogging my in/mail/fun box these days, I feel brain-raped on the subject.  Not that my brain isn't prone to use and abuse. Clearly, I'm not the only parent simultaneously exhilarated and bewildered by the noise-free dead spot in my immediate perimeter. So there's just no need to go there.

I'm also a New Yorker with the heart and soul of a Miami retiree. Give me a 85 degree day, a pool and a shuffleboard court and I'm in Valhalla. So for me, this time is bittersweet. As thrilled as I am to see my big kid resume his intellectual and social stimulation, I'm preternaturally mourning the stench of pit stains and free feet. To clear the proverbial decks, I hereby decree this arena free of further mention of back-to anything. 

Note I didn't say anything about being on one's back. 

I first learned of this website from my peeps over at MomLogic, who share my penchant for what's silly and sillier. 

This is a merciless move also known as The Horse Blanket: "The woman wears the Snuggie on her front and covers her partner with the bottom. Perfect for showing off your moves and when you can't stand to look your partner in the eye." 

I just call it the smotherfucker.

Have your eyelashes been crippled with "hypotricosis?"  Tired of random strangers whispering "chrome balls" behind your back?

Thanks to Latisse, the new Brooke Shields-endorsed Miracle-Gro for eyelashes, you shall suffer no more. Brave the risk of eye pruritus (burning and itching), iris discoloration, conjunctival hyperemia (contagious eye-goo) and skin hyperpigmentation and you are SET.

Since when did lack of eyelash hair become an urgent matter that requires medical attention? 

Tsk, tsk, tsk. That pesky Brooke. Granted, she was born to shill, but there's a threshold that surpasses good taste. Cars, Tupperware, toothpaste, now this Latisse shit.  I feel like I'm lurking over her midlife crisis, watching her bank account fatten, but her integrity as an actress swirl the bowl. 

Whatever it takes, Sweetheart. Hey - cut me a six figure check and watch me flash you my mighty morphin mama-tatas with a wink and a big fat smile. I'll even send you a complimentary barf bowl. Just include a self-addressed stamped envelope.

And now for the educational portion of our broadcast...Dr. Phil is moonlighting! Whatever it takes in this recession...

Open box. Remove applicator. Damn, this is as hard as Jon Gosselin's peen for Ed Hardy. 

I love how 1:42 of this is absorbed with this idiot trying to open the fucking box. Apparently, she could give two shits about flashing her year-old mani on camera. And judging by my post-viewing vertigo, the camera man did multiple shots of this shit before pressing "record."

Best of all is the script. "Most people have two eyes."  I'm supposed to put my trust in a product developed by the fucking genius who crafted this compelling commentary?

And what does this say about their erstwhile spokesperson, Brooke?

I'll leave you to ponder that for now... it's a real chin-stroker.

Until next time...

Your ever faithful, 

Mad Mom

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