July 2009 Archives

Oh Good Lord?

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Sweetie Darlings!

Before your ever faithful Mad Mom takes a long longed for vacation, I leave you with some food for naught:

Oh Good Lord?

My old pal Chuchie posted this crazy article from ABC.com about how a debate about whether to teach religious-based social studies in Texas public schools has brought on a larger debate that could influence textbooks used by students in parts of the country where there is no lobbying for such religious-based material.

The chief asshole in this endeavor, Evangelical minister Peter Marshall, is president of the Massachusetts-based (tsk, tsk homies!!) Peter Marshall Ministries. He says, "Our children need to know the truth about how our country got started. Nearly all the founding fathers were Christian believers and it is their biblical world that shaped the way they thought and achieved what they did."

Sooooo...they want to infuse Christianity into TEXTBOOKS now? C'mon! Are there no Jews in Texas? Unitarians even? Where are my Southern Fried Gays? Someone tell a joke, here. Or even better, smack some sense into these idiots. What a ginormous crock of bubbling muddy shit.

How else will these crazy conservatives plot to poison the minds of the young and the restless and corner them into chastity, because that'll keep our frisky young whippersnappers from producing more liberals? 

Get over it. You've lost the election.

Breastfeeding A No No At IKEA

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According to Gothamist, a woman breastfeeding her baby at the Red Hook IKEA was remanded to the can:

"On Wednesday I was in Ikea Redhook in the middle of breastfeeding, fully covered, when I was told I had to stop doing "that" and go to the nearby family bathroom. The Ikea employee and security guards were extremely rude to us. I was hustled off to the bathroom and then had to wait because someone else was using it. I was humiliated, my daughter was upset from being interrupted in the middle of her feed. When eventually I gave up and headed for the car to finish feeding, the security guards who had seen the entire event insisted on checking my receipts. I'm putting together a formal complaint to IKEA. I was wondering if this has happened to anyone else?"

WTF?!?!? Look, when it came to breastfeeding, I was of the shy sort. That said, I believe that as long as she's not squirting breast milk in your eye, a woman should be able to whip out her food banks and feed her baby anywhere she damn well wants. Nipples aren't just for tassles and doorknockers, you know.

Stupid Item Of The Week

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This chair, made by BabySwede LLC, was recently recalled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission after small metal pieces were found in the padded section of the Babysitter's fabric seat. Now, I'm a fan of the BabyBjorn, but this seat -- the BabyBjorn Babysitter Balance Air -- retails at a whopping $140-190 and it's main hook is that it's "a cool looking seat" for babies ages newborn to two in a breathable fabric. 

You're supposed to shell out a buck fifty for this because it's "cool looking?" What two year old, or one year old for that matter, would appreciate being strapped down at an aerodynamic angle such as this for any period of time? How on earth are they supposed to stay out of trouble while mom or dad takes a shower? That's a pretty fricking penny for something that holds no entertainment value whatsoever.

All I can see is a desperate young toddler, laying on his side, busted mid-scoot in his plot to reach in and turn off the hot water.  

Perhaps BabyBjorn should join forces with Baby Einstein or Sesame Street to market this bad boy because the only way a toddler's going to consent to sitting in that glorified straitjacket is in close proximity to some serious animation on a screen so big, it makes Elmo lifelike. 

Don't Get So F*cking Smart

Don't fuck with a mother hen who's face has been pulled so tight, it's hard to tell her mouth from her anus.

That's it for now kids! Have a great few weeks!

xx

The Mad Mom


Mom & Pop KGB

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Yo, Yo, YO!

Will I ever tire of composing obnoxious greetings one's overheard on MTV or anyplace else I'm too old to go? Me thinks not. 

Anywho, I'm VERY pleased to announce today's soliloquy is composed by my very first guest blogger, the gifted author and insanely hilarious Alison Lowenstein. Al, my dear friend, contributor to many a parenting mag, author of City Weekends: Greatest Escapes and Weekend Getaways In and Around NYC, and the indispensable City Baby Brooklyn, was kind enough to lend her evil pen to my cause of entertaining your ass. So sit your down and grab a drink, 'cos this shit's totally run through your head. 

Mom & Pop KGB: Parent Message Boards and Groups

Alison Lowenstein

Parenting message boards never fail to amuse and shock me. In my 'hood, we have a few Yahoo groups that almost every parent in Brooklyn subscribes to, and the posts range from marriage counselor recommendations (hello, the board is not anonymous!) to someone selling a used breast pump. 

I'll admit that the boards can be useful, but they can also feel a bit like "big brother." You never know when someone is going to post that they saw a child in a Beatles T-shirt peeing in a bush at the park while their parent watched, or that someone let their child have a temper tantrum on the floor of the supermarket while the parent was distracted texting someone on their iPhone. 

Then people will remark on the parent's behavior and there will be tons of amateur psychologists digging into why parents, nannies, kids, etc. act the way they do. The whole idea of these boards make me feel like I have to be on my best behavior when I am walking through the streets of Brooklyn, because you never know when this parenting version of the KGB will post about you letting your kid soil themselves while you are engrossed in a conversation with another parent.

Although most of the members of the boards think of themselves as folks who'd rather shop in a small shop than a big box retailer, they can take a small business owner down in a single click. When one parent posted that they saw a roach at a local restaurant, I never went there again, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who stopped eating there because of that post. Of course, there isn't a restaurant (or apartment) in NYC that doesn't have a roach, but these posts sure can taint your outlook. If you own a shop and one day make a snide comment to a local mom, all it takes is one person posting about you on one of these boards to shut you down. They've somehow turned a thinking city into a small gossipy town.

My favorite is when people debate about various parenting topics from weaning to opting out of vaccines. Many of the posts are filled with tons of misinformation and occasionally (thank god) a local doctor or expert will chime in and link to published paper on the topic. Just the other day, I innocently posted a recommendation for places to stop on I-95 and alternatives to eating at a rest stop, and a member of the board emailed me saying that I was wrong to recommend restaurants off of I-95 because they were all mediocre. I emailed back mentioning that South Norwalk, New Haven, Mystic, Providence (which is also the home to a culinary school) were all right off I-95 and had tons of great restaurants. How could all food off of a major interstate that passes through many cities be bad? It cracked me up.  I guess it's nice that everybody has an opinion and that everyone can show off their expertise on the boards, but remember folks, the board is public and most parents read it, even if they don't admit it.

Uh, in a word, WORD.  Stand back and prepare to be judged!


Pay Up, Sucka
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TMZ reports that Kelis had to skip out on today's scheduled court date to fight Nas for child support and baby and prenatal expenses -- she's got some pushin' to do! She's having the baby as we speak.

Will Nas show up in court to argue his case while Kelis does all the hard labor?

That would certainly place him atop every woman's permadouche list. Time to bust out the checkbook, mang! 





Mourning 

Sometimes, nothing but Alanis, Alicia, the open road and an endless stream of indie-rock hits (oxymoron? nah, just moron) can quell the heartache.




That's it for now, bitches! Summer on!

xx
MM


What's In A Name?

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Why Hello There,

I'm not going to talk about Michael Jackson, mmmmkay? Everyone else is real damn busy doing that. I did it last week for MomLogic, where the expert I interviewed predicted Debbie Rowe would go for custody before anyone else did. Jus' saying. 

And now to wipe more doo-doo off my filthy paws and onto you!

Meet Mari & Tabby Broderick

Photo by: Robin Layton for People 

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Check out the cuteness that is Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. Gutchie-goo! James Wilkie looks perplexed but I'm sure he's totally psyched he won't have to share his room with these crying, pooping bitches. 

Once they move to Brooklyn, my big kid can slap him on the back, pass him a cee-gar and mull over the evils of that after his fourth of July excursion.

So what's with the names? I was thinking as with James the elder, these arbiters of style would pick classic names like Elizabeth or Charlotte, as opposed to those recounting victims of the Salem witch trials or villainous bitches from the next season of Desperate Housewives.

"Both Hodge and Elwell are family names on Parker's side," the couple's statement explains in People.

Now, I just LURVE this couple, always have. Even more since especially since they are likely moving to my neck of the woods and SJP had the good sense to option Amy Sohn's new book Prospect Park West, but why is it they've fallen in line with other celebs who feel compelled to give their children eighteen names? Granted, SJ's always gone by her first and middle, but is this the new celeb "mine's bigger?" Or is it to imply these children hail from some semblance of royalty? Paris Michael Katherine Jackson? Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck? Bastion Dom Perigato Usher Smith the XV?

It would be a great new celebrity trend to go the other way and break it all down. Keep it simple. Joe. Jack. John. Anne. Basta. Finito. 

Britney Spearowitz

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Darker hair, check.

Darker skin, check.

Big specs, check.

Even bigger nips, check. 

Gleaming Star of David catching the light on suncrisp décolletage, check.

Look for her on the shores of North Miami, people! Why, it seems Brit's gone and joined the Tribe!

We now have something in common as I, too, have mated with a nice Jewish boy. Mazel! Wish you luck trying to pass that adorable, golden haired goy son of yours. He just screams of your shiksa roots.


Best Use Of Stupid Item of the Week

Meet Kai Vincent Dancer, the youngest member of The Mad Mom family.

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Please note how his brilliant mom Candice found a genius way to rock the ShamWow.


Kiddie Porn

Brace yourself for a new level of kiddie porn. Take a gander as innocent lil' Bindi Irwin sings about a snake in the grass..."slithering slowly inside of me." Uh, yeah.

Gotta fly. Until next time, your faithful but ever pissy,

MAD MOM

© 2009 Vivian Manning-Schaffel. All Rights Reserved. Or Kiss. My. Ass.

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