Soapbox Dirty

New! New! New!

2013-05-02T16:22:01Z

To Whom It May Concern,

I realize that I have been a negligent blogger, a virtual ne'er do well, leaving you eager readers in the lurch for what feels like an eternity (some weeks). As I support myself by writing, the lure of the almighty dollar trumps non-paid writing pursuits when time has limits. The nerve of time and materialism! How DO they continue to impose on us?

Besides, I'm finding this whole enterprise in need of a facelift. As the client once said to the dirty hooker, who wouldn't benefit from a refresh every now and again? I'm getting a new back-end (I know, say WHA? Don't be jealous), so I can live up to my primary obligation as your one and only rumpshaker. So while I'm hard at work repurposing this purpose, I hope you all will be gracious enough to return when I'm again ready to start assaulting you with my pithy pearls of poo-poo.

In the meantime, my friend Karina sent me this lil' gem, which I will now pass on to you as just reward for your continued loyalty. I don't know about you all, but I could use a spritz of this stuff myself right about now.

Stay gold!

Musique, C'est Chic!

2013-03-21T15:39:41Z

Hello? How are you? Have you been alright? Through all those....whatever.

I'm in a lyrical way today. Who the fuck am I kidding? I've been in a lyrical way since I came out of my mother screeching a rousing rendition of "(Sitting On) The Dock of the Bay." The nurses didn't slap me, they sang back-up.

There was a time when I knew what music was going to happen before it actually did. With no Facebook or Twitter or twatter to tell me what was whom, I was out in clubs, seeing bands, scouring my surroundings for the next big thing to love and promote. You had to put in the time, son. You had to get off your ass, reach deep inside of you and actually give a shit.

Many of us overindulge in the music of our quarter life crisis to ease the pain that is our midlife crisis. And that's a-okay. But I bore easily and like to shake shit up in my aural cavity.

Thanks to my hepcat friends and Pandora, I still occasionally come across some sounds that inspire me enough to say so. And as your premiere purveyor pimp of all things pop culture, I'm hoping that you'll lend an ear to these golden nuggets of promise. After all, talent is a terrible thing to waste.

You will have these songs in your head ALL DAY and I promise, you'll thank me for offering these alternative over Rhianna's incessant bleating about diamonds as metaphor for rock.

And when these acts all blow up and accept their awards next year, just remember.. I TOLD YOU SO.

Bernhoft

Thanks to my bestie from another nestie Phyllis, I got to see this one-man band at Joe's Pub a few weeks back and he blew my brain wide open. The vocals! The unbridled talent! The hilarious sense of humor! The Hubs is fazed by next to nothing and even HE loved this guy. Behold, the almighty Bernhoft. You're welcome.

James Blake

"Retrograde" is a haunting and beautiful song that is only eclipsed by a brilliant afterschool special of a video that will leave you with many burning questions. Is he in love with the deaf girl? Did the comet hit the house? Or was it "the bomb?" What kind of 80s fantasy are we made privy to here? Why the fuck is everything frozen in mid-air? See and hear for yourself.

Stay gold!

xoxo

Breeder Mockery

2013-02-20T16:58:30Z

Last night, my awesome friend Karina took me to The Paley Center for Media to see a talk with Fred Armisen, the comic genius on SNL and co-creator/writer/star of Portlandia, a funny show that just bagged the prestigious Writer's Guild Award last week.

Aside from being one of those people who can tickle a giggle out of an innocent bystander with a mere side-eye, you have to dig the fact that instead of using SNL as a springboard to a career of cheap rom-com clichés, he opted instead to foster the DIY spirit of his Trenchmouth days by hanging out with his friend Carrie and making videos for shits and grins, which is honestly how Portlandia began. Award or no, Armisen and Brownstein make a delicious mockery of Gen X and we just can't get enough of our own stupidity. Say what you will of the "slacker" generation, but at least we aren't too lazy to laugh at ourselves.

Take this clip. I dare you to find one parent who hasn't lived this scene to the fullest.

To continue on this theme, leave it to Louis CK, the high priest of parenting paradigms, to preach about life when your kids get a little older. It all comes down to what you put in your ass.

Finally, any and all of you know I have mad respect for a baller. After all, it takes "chicken" balls like Paula Deen's to pull a gangsta move and imbibe on the job. Just listen to her say "hon-ye." Mad respect!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Stay gold!

On Banning Butt Crack

2013-02-07T16:31:01Z

That groundhog is a lil' trickster!

Early Spring my AHHHHHS, I can hear half of my Masshole compadres muttering into the freezing air, causing clouds of condensation vapor that reek of Dunkie's "regulah".

We hear you. We New Yorkers just got our asses kicked by Sandy. Sandy is a pouffed out hooker in pleather jeans who chops off the filter of her cigarettes with a shiv. Nemo is an orange clown fish, mmmmn'kay? You are about to get your ahhhhses kicked by an orange clown fish. Exactly where is it written that mothernature isn't also a motherfucker?

Well, as long as you have a TV you can wile away the time watching Downton Abbey. Your kids won't understand what the hell those posh peeps are saying anyway. If they need a Downton all their own, simply queue up this delight, brought to you by the fine folks at Sesame Street.

No Butt Crack Allowed!

If you're REALLY bored, you can also watch the Grammys. I KNOW those of you who share my jaded demographic checkbox just yawned out a big fat "So. The. Fuck. WHAT." And, aside from watching Dave Grohl do anything, it's about to get even more boring. Deadline.com obtained a copy of of an edited email sent out by CBS, basically ordering artists to keep their skank stench to themselves and cover up their nethers. I understand their concern. After all, among female performers, pants have long become a thing of the past.

Date: February 5, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST
Subject: 55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

-kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards-

***GRAMMYS 2013***

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent's wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

No sideboob, no ass crack, no FUPA - so where's the rock 'n roll? In the minds of babes, that's where. Like, 6-year old babes. It's amazing what kids can do with the disadvantage of being fully clothed and the aid of supportive parents. Lena Dunham, look out girl!

via Jezebel

Stay gold! xx

Three Squares For Your Day

2013-01-28T15:34:34Z

Why hello!

I love the SAG awards but after experiencing Fey and Poehler at the helm of the Globes, I found myself bored shitless. Tina still managed to salvage the night, in how she shared her award with Amy Poehler: "I've known you since you were pregnant with Lena Dunham."

If you missed it, that was the best part.

Thus far this season, Portlandia has been on fire. And speaking of fire, here's a PSA that warns what might happen to your digestive system if you overload it with fruits and veggies, as I probably should do.

To also aid in your digestion, here's a heaping serving of FISH darlings. That's right, a lil' tease of what's to come this season on RuPaul's Drag Race. Ever since I met her, ah-hem, back in the DAY, I've got nothing but big love for Ms Ru. My girls are all a tingle for the premiere tonight on Logo and rumor has it, there's even a Vivie on there this season. If you haven't yet indulged in this total tuckfest, please do. You're welcome. May the best woman win!

Get More: Watch RuPaul's Drag Race Full Episodes, RuPaul, Logo TV

Finally, here's some coffee to wash it all down. I'm one of those people with a despicable Starbucks addiction. So much so that my dear friend Jennifer Perillo of In Jennie's Kitchen lovingly refers to me as a "soy latte sipping whore." What can I say? She knows the secrets to the universe in and out of the kitchen. I'm a complete hooker for caffeination all decorated with flavors and soy milk. Whether you love or hate the BUX, here's a little something for you, courtesy of Saturday Night Live.

You know I'm your girl for nourishment. Have a great week, party people!

Thin For Detroit

2013-01-17T15:13:10Z

Shello!

Photo: Frederick M. Brown via NYDN

It's not everyday a gal gets an apology and propers from Howard Stern. They don't call his flat ass Stern for nothing! But Lena Dunham, in all her innate talent and underdog-who-won-the-race charm, totes pulled it off. A Golden Globe will check a bitch every single time!

Stern had called Dunham a "little fat chick" before watching the show. But once he saw Dunham and Company in all their witty, flagrant glory, he changed his mind. Like the rest of us, he says he is now addicted to the show, he totally "gets" her and thinks she's "terrific."

Dunham came back with, "I'm not that fat, Howard. I'm not super-thin, but I'm think for, like, Detroit." Let's ponder that a moment, shall we? Try and get past the "like" she tossed in, for one.

I say thank you Lena, for keeping it all so real in work and in life. Fuck Howard, his ilk and the anorexic show ponies they ride. Don't play the game. Throw some perspective into things, for all of our sakes - for our daughter's sake.

However be warned: If you take up Pilates and end up on a magazine cover with your Tracy Anderson carved tight-ass cheeks hanging out, clad in nothing but a belly shirt that displays your six-pack like a luxury vehicle, and extolling a menu that consists of nothing more than leafy greens and 6 oz of flavorless grilled chicken, I will personally hunt you down, sit on you and force feed you Shake Shack. And I'll make you like it.

I don't know about you, but I feel at last that my refusal to abstain from bacon and Jacques Torres is redeemed. About 20 years too late, but better late than never.

Pumping the Wah Wah Pedal

God I miss guitar solos. I posted this on Facebook and my friend Peter, who I can always count on in times like these, came forth with this little beauty. Sit down ladies and gays, he bares thigh! In the immortal words of Robert Plant, "Does anybody remember laughter?"

Finally, here's my Golden Globes recap, a few days late but NEVER a penny short.

Tina & Amy have to host everything from now on. That's what they get for actually being funny.

Tommy Lee Jones clearly needed a refill.

Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence need new stylists.

Ben Affleck really IS better than you.

Nicole Kidman gives exactly one shit less every year. She looked a little disheveled, like she got some in the limo on the way over. That warrants a fist bump.

NNHS class of '85 is hawt: It's cool that not one, but two mushes were nominated for Best Actor/Comedy. I wonder what they say to each other in the men's room.

At first viewing (aside from the part where she thanks her mom - that was beautiful), it looked like Jodie Foster wasn't just coming out, that stream-of-consciousness rant came off like she was channeling a higher power through her root chakra. But I saw it again and must give Jodie props for owning the room and making perfect sense. Hopefully, it will be the one and only time the newer crop of thlesbians in the room take a tip.

Stay gold!

Just Desserts

2013-01-10T16:04:05Z

Taylor's Swift

Photo: Steve Granitz/Wire Image via People.com

As much as I appreciate the concept behind fans voting for their favorite show business whatevers, I don't get how the People's Choice Awards stays in business. It's the training bra of awards ceremonies; it's there only for looks and offers no real support. You can always tell who's going to win by sheer virtue of who bothers to show and sit up front.

The talk o' the blogs this morning is how actress Olivia Munn, obviously eager to seize a moment, stands accused of "Kanye-ing" Taylor Swift when she tried to run a little joke during her acceptance speech. Swift actually handled it awesomely by saying, "This always happens to me." Good girl. I'm just shocked no one mentioned she was wearing the latest wedding dress she'd picked out.

Frankly, I could give exactly one shit. No, make that a half a shit. If I were her, I would just walk around in mini-skirts and model. Just stand there and look good. No need to take income from people who can actually hit notes. That's just greed.

But alas, some folks feel compelled to do and be all things. Respect. After all, an artistic spirit cannot be tamed. You've got to give it up to that James Franco. That kid is the product of a happy marriage between weed and Adderall. Here's what he does with his galpal in his "spare time."

Bieber's "Boyfriend"

See what I mean?

Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't shout out the INCREDIBLE return of The Daily Show. Jon Stewart, in an exemplar of his infinite wisdom, took it upon himself to tell everyone what for with respect to our nation's lame fucking ass response to gun deaths. PREACH! If you haven't seen this yet, please take the time. It's sweet relief to FINALLY hear someone make sense on this issue.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Scapegoat Hunter - Gun Control

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

That's all folks!

Other Indoor Sports

2013-01-03T15:52:49Z

Happy new year!

How was your holiday? Mine was full of family, friends, love, laughter and food, which is EXACTLY how I like it.

Problem is, I don't "do" winter. I can't play winter sports and the frigid air makes my muscles scream bIoody murder. So the only thing to get psyched about are the bevy of nouveau pop culture events and happenings designed to sizzle, crackle and explode in your brain like mental Pop Rocks. Seeing as my mind is in desperate need of a blow job, here are five January events I hope will inspire my jaded synapses to keep firing within the confines of my warm home. Maybe they'll inspire yours too.

Amy & Tina's Golden Globes

And they've got four - count 'em - FOUR - between them! The pressure is on for these lovely ladies to whoop the asses of their mostly penile predecessors. They've both proven to have the goods to comically kill under pressure so prepare to be sliced, diced and julienned. I am.

Downton Abbey

So what if it's basically a revamped Upstairs/Downstairs grown-up soapy melodrama? It's WELL WRITTEN, the cinematography is ethereal and I've always been a sucker for a good period drama. Plus, Shirley MacLaine is coming to duel with Maggie Smith. Perhaps I can model my future bitch after them.

The Final 30 Rock

Speaking of Tina, 30 Rock ascends to syndicated sitcom heaven on the 31st of this month and I will mourn like teenager who's best friend won't talk to her and won't tell her why. Until Lena Dunham puts on 20 years, my soul will ache for Liz Lemon almost as ardently as it does for Edina Monsoon. ALMOST.

Sound City

As I've said before, Dave Grohl can do no wrong. All straight women under 55 want to fuck him and all straight men under 55 want to be him. He describes Sound City, his new documentary about the legendary Los Angeles recording studio and all that has transpired there, as his "most important work." And when a cat like him says something like that, I'll listen because, even when he does something as blatantly commercial as inviting Paul McCartney to front his old band, he doesn't fuck anything up.

Portlandia

Because no one mocks the aspiring fair-to-middling class like Fred and Carrie.

Here's a clip from the new season, which premiers tomorrow night.

Fiscal Cliff Diving

Whatever. I leapt off the fiscal cliff when I had my first back surgery five years ago and am still in mid-air, my face frozen in a carpe diem grin. No pain = all gain. It's only money. One day, I'll get to keep some.

Happy new year bitches! Namaste!

To Parent Is To Lie

2012-12-17T15:07:59Z

I know, I know...another asshole takes to their blog to address Sandy Hook. I struggle with whether or not to post as we speak. This is a COMEDY blog, right? I'm also a parent, see. And, it's a soapbox, dammit, a place where I vent my ersatz eloquent shit and you, if you're bored enough at work or at home, kindly take the time to read and react however you will.

First off, I'm not going to tell you how to react or attempt to summon just the right words to break the news of this utterly appalling tragedy to your kids. I'm not qualified in the least and am still struggling with the idea of having to do so. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time my oldest has had to hear about innocent children who were violently taken from this world well before their time. I'd hoped to spare him any news of this horror but being of the curious sort, he felt compelled to read what I was reading on CNN over my shoulder. And the damage was done. On his birthday, no less.

He's home sick and we'll have the day to work through things. He'll ask questions and I'll hold him tight, muttering some rhetoric I read somewhere even though I feel like I could shit out my guts in fear at any second. My Kindergartener is healthy and thus, she had to go to school. I couldn't help but cling to her before she walked out that door. I smiled and waved while screaming inside. I think we all are.

I usually get through these things by resorting to sheer logic, reminding myself this was a rare case of a mentally unstable boy who went untreated and had access to his mom's rifles, this was some sort of psychotic break that occurred and that's so rare, blah de blah de fucking blah. I think of the "helpers" as the resurrected meme of Mr. Rogers has instructed us, and I tell my kid to do the same.

Then, there's my gut. My gut knows these senseless tragedies thanks to lax gun laws are no longer rare, but are a trend. My gut is screaming for those lost babies. My gut is screaming for my kids and your kids because I know there is no longer a safe place to raise them. I realize I am lying to them each time I tell them they are safe outside of our home. I realize there is nowhere to hide from the middle finger of fate. We have no choice but to lie like we do about Santa because the alternative is to burn away their innocence and smother them in fear.

I fear this crime will somehow serve as a siren's call to other dark, sick souls and as I type, this fear may be realized. As I write, my dear friend, a mom who lives close to Newtown is posting about five more schools on lockdown in CT because of some suspicious person lurking in their vicinity.

Before I had children and even after they came, I held fast to this idea of telling the truth. If I was truthful in my parenting, if I was honest and brave, my children would be honest and brave also. They wouldn't be shocked by human nature and ill equipped to deal with the variables of life. They would expect and accept the dark with the light and be the stronger for it. But this? This is a darkness with no accompanying light to fumble for.

I have to believe our President when he says these young lives can't be lost in vain and that he'll do all his power allows to create a safer land for our kids to grow up in. But until I hear weapons drop and a cease fire declared, I have to assume we remain a land at war with ourselves.

So, to endure this travesty and so many others, I've accepted my lot as parent and thus, boldfaced liar. Santa? Yeah, my youngest still believes, even though she's a half-a-Jew. She won't hear the truth from me until she hears it on the outside. After all, it's not a lie if you believe it's true. So I will smile and leave cookies and smile and lie and hug and wave as I send them off to school and tell them everything is going to be alright. Because, no matter how old we are and how much shit we've seen, we remain ill-equipped to deal with such darkness.

This is why comedy keeps us going. It lifts the collective heft we are stuck under so we can breathe and laugh and carry on. As always, Lorne Michaels and the Saturday Night Live crew handled the cold open with compassion and panache. Here it is, if you missed it.

This hilarious skit is an example of how, for some, the creative truth telling of parenting begins well BEFORE the new king crowns.

Love to you all xoxo

121212

2012-12-13T14:25:38Z

Ever had one of those days where you feel as if you've been bludgeoned with a 2 x 4?

Yeah I'm having one of those.

I didn't even make it through 12-12-12 show last night. Kanye and his leather skirt serenaded me to sleep, so I've yet to witness the "Nirvana reunion." As I've said before, Dave Grohl is probably the sole stalwart rock icon Gen X has produced -- all straight women under 50 want to fuck him and all straight (and a few gay) men under 50 want to be him. And now he's hosting Chelsea Lately and playing with Paul McCartney. Don't let his muppetry fool you, this man will slowly come to own you, me and the whole neighborhood. And we'll just live in it. Fine by me.

That said, there are risks in our slacker generation assuming the helm. Behold.

Kids Songs With Cat Power from Cat Power

Sharing your light with others has its risks.

Perhaps we could stand to learn a little something from our forefathers. Like Mick Jagger, for example.

I leave you with some random thoughts I had during last night's 121212 concert:

I sometimes long to shake Paul Shaffer and divine my future off his head.

Why does Bruce bother to spray tan when he's mic is booming so loudly down below?

Jon Bon Jovi's hair can't help but try and feather, can it?

Kanye, a skirt doesn't count unless you bother to bare leg beneath.

It's nice to know GE Smith has every hair intact.

The Who must've played so long because they feared an audience who'd follow their name with a question mark.

We still have a long way to rebuild folks. Give whatever you can, when you can.

Until next time, nanu nanu!

One Candle At A Time

2012-12-07T16:10:03Z

Sometimes this blog just writes itself.

Instagram fever is in high pitch. It turns everyone into a photo genius or at least someone who's taken and passed Digital Photography 101. I'm guilty. In a leveled playing field such as this, even the most Luddite of plebs can flex their artistic muscles for all to see and we're faced with more endless streams of captured moments we can't possibly keep up with. What an easy way to mind your friends' business! Just don't skimp on the Adderall.

This video effectively mocks the wonder of Instagram, instantly.

"He Thinks He's People"

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

It's also Hanukkah. Sometimes, you come across a piece of genius that's so wrong you don't want to be right. To celebrate by taking it one candle at a time, here are TWO vids, the original and its sequel, guaranteed to add an elevated level of festivity to your plans.

Kiss My Tuchas

But wait! There's more! A sequel!

Pimp Your Bush

Happy Hanukkah you muthafuckers!

How ARE You? Like, Really?

2012-11-28T17:31:43Z

So, how are you?

Such a loaded question, isn't it? So simple, yet so complex!

Doesn't this guy look like he actually gives a shit about the answer? (Image via Gawker)

Take a few hot secs in the mirror and practice this same furrow of concern and earnest. I'll tell you why. And hang on to your stools as I'm about to get a little existential on you. Somewhere in time, it became polite decorum to inquire your acquaintances about their wellness. It's become an overused and abused platitude, where often times we don't even bother to stick around for the answer. So why in sweet Jebus do we feel so overwhelmingly compelled to do it?

Now to get really fucking meta: What's the harm in asking for asking's sake, you ask? Do you have to really actually mean it?

No, but imagine how nice it would be if you did. Now, before you go accusing me of advocating the new sincerity, like Christy Wampole's ironic push for a life without irony in the New York Times, know that irony is my middle name, after Bathsheba and Mary. I really do give a shit about you, but I really don't care what you do. I've just noticed it's eroded into a bi-product of ego, an empty way we make ourselves feel like we really care about others. And you know what? Sometimes we do, sometimes we just don't have time to. I ask folks how they are all the time, in passing. But what the fuck am I doing? Why ask if I don't really have time to listen to the answer and a simple smile and hello would suffice?

And when asked how you are, do you bother to answer truthfully? I do often, just to fuck with people. If I get the vibe that you really don't care, I'll lay out the nitty grit. You want to know how I am motherfucker? Well sit your ass down and grab a latte, 'cos I'm about to tell you.

What's that? You don't have time for the answer? Then ask yourself why you asked.

I bring this up because, when done right, a basic, sincere "how are you" can really make your day. Late last month, once I started moving around again, I walked into a home goods store with my family. The woman working behind the counter saw me fumbling around with my neck brace. She took notice of my situation, simply stood up, smiled wide and asked, "How are you?" She must've somehow seen how the pain I was in made me a little dead in the eyes. She practically reeked of kindness and sincerity. So I told her. And you know what? It was the most meaningful conversation I had with a stranger in forever.

That's why "how are you" is so important. It's the gateway drug to an earnest exchange. So let's not muck it up with pretense.

And in speaking of pretense, I now conclude this rant to bring you...

Dora: You've Never Seen Her Explore Like This Before!

An oldie but a goodie. Thanks Karina, for bringing this to my attention!

This one speaks to me personally.... Moons over My-Hammy! Let's go back in time for some fash-trash shall we?

Thanks all! Nanu nanu!

xoxox

Just Another Soapbox Thanksgiving

2012-11-21T16:41:42Z

Whenever someone feels compelled to ask what I'm thankful for, I find myself scratching my head. It's an overwhelming question, if you really stop to consider it, because there is so much to be thankful for. There is everything to be thankful for, and I'm not just reminded of it because I so happen to be dusted in a thin layer of cornbread mix.

I don't believe Thanksgiving happens when CVS starts to look like a dollar store version of Santa's workshop regurgitated. For me, it happens every day. Try taking a mental snapshot of your gratitude at the exact same time each day for a year and look it over. Forget something? Feel bad? Don't! There's always a list to be made tomorrow. Voila! The pressures off and lo, you're a practicing gratitudeist who lives Thanksgiving every day. Pretty cool, huh?

For one, I'm grateful for my home in Brooklyn. Here's how it rolls for Larry David.

Just Another Brooklyn Thanksgiving

Larry David's Thanksgiving Special from Larry David

One thing I could do without is how Thanksgiving and Black Friday are slowly bleeding into one. I'm a champion, world class shopper and I won't even venture a big toe into that shitshow. So I hereby promise each and every one of you I will not be buying you a Jaclyn Smith teardrop necklace. That is, if you shut up about the stray hairs you may find in my CR-V.

Black Friday Survival Techniques

Black Friday Thanksgiving from Teri Hatcher

Finally, grab yourself the latest issue of US Weekly and learn about the royal zygote AND read my takedown of crimes against fashion.

And remember, dear reader, I'm incredibly thankful for YOU.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Stop Effing With Elmo!

2012-11-15T15:40:31Z

Yeah, whatever. I've been slacker but here I am again, like that alternate side parking regulations or the hair on your chin, I only go away for small spells that feel like an era of newfound ease and convenience.

Why? For one, my mom was here. Having an apartment the size of a linebacker's back pocket, I found it challenging to cultivate and curate weekly funny to the strains of Days of Our Lives. For two, I was recovering from spinal surgery. That hurts, yo. For three, my city went through A FUCKING HURRICANE and folks around me left and right have far bigger fish to fry then the dribblings from my wise ass.

But we all need some distraction, sometime. Right? RIIIIIGHT. So here's a smattering of the week's most flagrant fuckwittery.

Stop Fucking With Elmo!

First, Romney wants to abolish Elmo's home, now these bullshit allegations against Kevin Clash. If you haven't heard, some 24-year old wanna be playa accused Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash of making a puppet out of him by diving fist first into his underage backside and promptly recanted his lie once his name made its way around the world. Clash handled the whole thing with grace, in my opinion, and who gives a shit if he's gay? Why is this even an issue?

I had an almost audible gut vibe the minute this joker came on the scene that he was hard for Kev's money. Have you ever seen the biodoc on Kevin Clash,

Being Elmo? Take a gander at that and you'd call foul too. Clash seems a truly lovely man - what a shame he even had to bother with that loser.

photo: Wikipedia

And now for more absurdity....

State, Red. Balls, Blue.

According to The Daily Current, Republican numb nut Rick Santorum is spewing more bull from his bullhorn, claiming a "homosexual cabal" stole the election.

Those gays are a wily bunch of coyotes with sticky fingers. It's a good thing too, because if morons like Sanitorium (spelling on purpose) had the wit to ascend to any realm of decision making, their women would drop their sloppy Joe's for a heaping plate of some couture gay boy quiche faster than you could flick a Bic. Watch and learn, evil Vaders. Thanks Molly!

Behold....

"An Army of Fabulous Luke Skywalkers"

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Finally, have you guys seen Key & Peele yet? Well, you should. Best farce in forever.

That's it Stay gold! xx

Bibbedy Boobedy BOO!

2012-10-25T19:16:53Z

I just saw Paul McCartney and Nina Garcia within an hour of each other. The veil between worlds must be thinning. It IS that time of year.

Speaking of witch, check out this adorable Goodwill ad. It must be appreciated for its design, audio and pluck.

via DListed

Colbert Has Balls

...to admit he'll taste balls for a good cause. He offered Donald Trump's choice charity a cool mil to teabag him in response to his act of high douchery toward President Obama. See for yourself.

The Colbert Report
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In other scary news, my equally plucky pal and sometime contributor Deacon saw fit to post this antique McGraw Hill produced video on FB. I so happen to know of a few righteous gals who work there, and am wondering how many, if any, times their eyeballs will roll.

It takes a few minutes, but it's always worth a glimpse into the past to gage and tsk at how far we've come. This gal is wisely throwing some murderous side-eye, like she can see into the future and understands full well the dark shady depths of asshole she's dealing with. This back when we were contained in binders, y'all.

The Face of ROMNESIA

That's it for now, tricks and treats! Stay gold!