When you feel as if the earth is about to shatter from beneath your feet...when you feel as if the vessels in your brain are about to implode and cause blood to spurt from your eyes..when you feel lost and lonely and devoid of a single positive thought, fear not oh hopeless one, for your world is about to be glued together shard by shard by none other than....THIS GUY.
Yep! Move over Jesus...Ryan Gosling is our savior!
Let me esplain'. British journo (who was probably lukewarm if not hot) Laurie Penny had her brain in the ether (like most of us scribes are wont to do) and was about to cross a busy NYC street when LO! A man alerted her to the terror of a cab about to slice her in half and it was none other than Sir Ryan himself.
This incited a big ass Twitter hoe-down, as most non-events are wont to do on a slow-ass news day.
Well folks, I too have witnessed the gallantry of Sir Ryan first hand. A few years back, I held an assembly of my Masshole besties at The Spotted Pig. And the nubile next to us at the bar was squirting us with the foam in her mouth over Gosling, who was lurking about with his dog outside. We egged her on, having once ourselves been nubile and flustered in the circumference of hot mens. And wouldn't you know, he met her kindly, chatted her up for a few and we got to hear about it for what felt like hours afterward.
Seriously, who doesn't need to be saved from themselves or the world once in a while?
So on this notion, I give you...
Things I Wish Ryan Gosling Would Save Me From
Honey Boo Boo Chile' from Toddlers and Tiaras
The dope slap of a brutal migraine
My daughter's obsession with all things being too tight or too loose
The brutal omnipresence of Ryan Seacrest
Cold whipping winds when you are underdressed
The ramifications of undercooked chicken
"My Moustache Has Its Own Muthafuckin' CELL!"
Now you faithful readers KNOW I was THE FIRST to tout the genius of this man. Now that he's my gay Twitter bestie, I unabashedly bring you...Reza's Moustache.
Here's why I think I've such a soft spot -- see the guy on the left in the pic below? No...that's not some wild, feral unwaxed version of Reza and a likewise swarthy relative. That's MY UNCLE.
Get it? Got it? GOOD.
That's it for now kids! Hope you find all the eggs/Afikomen your lil' hearts desire. Don't you just love how Afikomen sounds like a reggae metal band?