To Whom It May Concern,
To Whom It May Concern,
Hello? How are you? Have you been alright? Through all those....whatever.
"Retrograde" is a haunting and beautiful song that is only eclipsed by a brilliant afterschool special of a video that will leave you with many burning questions. Is he in love with the deaf girl? Did the comet hit the house? Or was it "the bomb?" What kind of 80s fantasy are we made privy to here? Why the fuck is everything frozen in mid-air? See and hear for yourself.
To continue on this theme, leave it to Louis CK, the high priest of parenting paradigms, to preach about life when your kids get a little older. It all comes down to what you put in your ass.
Finally, any and all of you know I have mad respect for a baller. After all, it takes "chicken" balls like Paula Deen's to pull a gangsta move and imbibe on the job. Just listen to her say "hon-ye." Mad respect!
That groundhog is a lil' trickster!
No Butt Crack Allowed!
If you're REALLY bored, you can also watch the Grammys. I KNOW those of you who share my jaded demographic checkbox just yawned out a big fat "So. The. Fuck. WHAT." And, aside from watching Dave Grohl do anything, it's about to get even more boring. Deadline.com obtained a copy of of an edited email sent out by CBS, basically ordering artists to keep their skank stench to themselves and cover up their nethers. I understand their concern. After all, among female performers, pants have long become a thing of the past.
Date: February 5, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST
Subject: 55th GRAMMYS: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory
-kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards-
CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.
Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent's wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.
No sideboob, no ass crack, no FUPA - so where's the rock 'n roll? In the minds of babes, that's where. Like, 6-year old babes. It's amazing what kids can do with the disadvantage of being fully clothed and the aid of supportive parents. Lena Dunham, look out girl!
Stay gold! xx
To also aid in your digestion, here's a heaping serving of FISH darlings. That's right, a lil' tease of what's to come this season on RuPaul's Drag Race. Ever since I met her, ah-hem, back in the DAY, I've got nothing but big love for Ms Ru. My girls are all a tingle for the premiere tonight on Logo and rumor has it, there's even a Vivie on there this season. If you haven't yet indulged in this total tuckfest, please do. You're welcome. May the best woman win!
Finally, here's some coffee to wash it all down. I'm one of those people with a despicable Starbucks addiction. So much so that my dear friend Jennifer Perillo of In Jennie's Kitchen lovingly refers to me as a "soy latte sipping whore." What can I say? She knows the secrets to the universe in and out of the kitchen. I'm a complete hooker for caffeination all decorated with flavors and soy milk. Whether you love or hate the BUX, here's a little something for you, courtesy of Saturday Night Live.
You know I'm your girl for nourishment. Have a great week, party people!
Photo: Frederick M. Brown via NYDN
Finally, here's my Golden Globes recap, a few days late but NEVER a penny short.
Tina & Amy have to host everything from now on. That's what they get for actually being funny.
Tommy Lee Jones clearly needed a refill.
Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence need new stylists.
Ben Affleck really IS better than you.
Nicole Kidman gives exactly one shit less every year. She looked a little disheveled, like she got some in the limo on the way over. That warrants a fist bump.
NNHS class of '85 is hawt: It's cool that not one, but two mushes were nominated for Best Actor/Comedy. I wonder what they say to each other in the men's room.
At first viewing (aside from the part where she thanks her mom - that was beautiful), it looked like Jodie Foster wasn't just coming out, that stream-of-consciousness rant came off like she was channeling a higher power through her root chakra. But I saw it again and must give Jodie props for owning the room and making perfect sense. Hopefully, it will be the one and only time the newer crop of thlesbians in the room take a tip.
Photo: Steve Granitz/Wire Image via People.com
As much as I appreciate the concept behind fans voting for their favorite show business whatevers, I don't get how the People's Choice Awards stays in business. It's the training bra of awards ceremonies; it's there only for looks and offers no real support. You can always tell who's going to win by sheer virtue of who bothers to show and sit up front.
The talk o' the blogs this morning is how actress Olivia Munn, obviously eager to seize a moment, stands accused of "Kanye-ing" Taylor Swift when she tried to run a little joke during her acceptance speech. Swift actually handled it awesomely by saying, "This always happens to me." Good girl. I'm just shocked no one mentioned she was wearing the latest wedding dress she'd picked out.
Frankly, I could give exactly one shit. No, make that a half a shit. If I were her, I would just walk around in mini-skirts and model. Just stand there and look good. No need to take income from people who can actually hit notes. That's just greed.
But alas, some folks feel compelled to do and be all things. Respect. After all, an artistic spirit cannot be tamed. You've got to give it up to that James Franco. That kid is the product of a happy marriage between weed and Adderall. Here's what he does with his galpal in his "spare time."
See what I mean?
Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't shout out the INCREDIBLE return of The Daily Show. Jon Stewart, in an exemplar of his infinite wisdom, took it upon himself to tell everyone what for with respect to our nation's lame fucking ass response to gun deaths. PREACH! If you haven't seen this yet, please take the time. It's sweet relief to FINALLY hear someone make sense on this issue.
|The Daily Show with Jon Stewart||Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Scapegoat Hunter - Gun Control|
Happy new year!
I know, I know...another asshole takes to their blog to address Sandy Hook. I struggle with whether or not to post as we speak. This is a COMEDY blog, right? I'm also a parent, see. And, it's a soapbox, dammit, a place where I vent my ersatz eloquent shit and you, if you're bored enough at work or at home, kindly take the time to read and react however you will.
This hilarious skit is an example of how, for some, the creative truth telling of parenting begins well BEFORE the new king crowns.
Love to you all xoxo
Ever had one of those days where you feel as if you've been bludgeoned with a 2 x 4?
That said, there are risks in our slacker generation assuming the helm. Behold.
I leave you with some random thoughts I had during last night's 121212 concert:
I sometimes long to shake Paul Shaffer and divine my future off his head.
Why does Bruce bother to spray tan when he's mic is booming so loudly down below?
Jon Bon Jovi's hair can't help but try and feather, can it?
Kanye, a skirt doesn't count unless you bother to bare leg beneath.
It's nice to know GE Smith has every hair intact.
The Who must've played so long because they feared an audience who'd follow their name with a question mark.
We still have a long way to rebuild folks. Give whatever you can, when you can.
Until next time, nanu nanu!